Zacism

"You have a biiiiiig mustache, a big mustache that is all over your face!" Observation on looking at my old drivers license picture.

Merry Christmas Missives

• Chocolate milk and lipstick colored boots, a Leatherman multi tool, a space shuttle and a soccer ball- presents I bought this year.


• My daughter locked herself in her room- can you help me get her out? What my niece said of her 2 year old daughter when she stuck her head in my sister's house this morning.


• My eldest son recently killed a hog with a .270 when I was not around. It's OK, but kinda weird- I'm real freaky about weapons and my children if nothing else and he had a successful hunt without me.


• I only know a couple of people who are unemployed and they could have jobs- something if they really wanted.


• Went to my children's grandparents ranch after a long absence and spent the night the other night. It was soooo dark out there away from city lights. The barn is way down in the pasture behind the house- a little oasis of light. There is always a radio going to scare off predators and sooth the cows and horses. I love the smells: poo, dirt, sweat, sweet feed and rust.
• Grand dad raises rodeo bulls- we almost stepped on a big black one on the way down to the barn that was probably named Terminator or something. It stood up and walked away without without even goring us and passively watched us walk by.
• My children's uncle has an English Bulldog. He decided he liked me and wanted to sleep by me which was awesome since he has evidentally been scientifically trained to to alternate all night between farting, burping and snoring. I literally woke up more tired than when I lie down.
• Merry Christmas.

Hidden Images

Find the nine images of people in this picture. Click to enlarge.

Friday's Dispatch

The Edmund Fitzgerald sank in 1975 and we're as fascinated with the loss today as when she went down. Click on picture for more information.






• The interior of my work backpack smells strongly like stale cigarette smoke and I don't know why.






• Zac calls my work backpack my nurse purse.
  
  
  
• There's only been maybe a couple of times I've been tempted to cry at the death of one of my hospice patients. A friend told me she did not know how, but she got so wrapped up in one patient she broke down bawling and the family had to console her after he died.






• I have very- very strong memories of my dad taking me fishing when I was little- probably as little as six years old. They were the best times I ever had and the strongest memories of my entire life. I'm thinking now of a time he threw a fish back which then got caught in the algae by the bank and a snake came from one end to eat it and one from the other. They ate all the way up until their faces were touching and then they went berserk. I watched them fight for an hour or more. The loser finally vomited his end out and was so weak he couldn't swim away. I went to sleep in the back of the old Ford LTD and woke up to a rising sun and fog covering the ground. Mist covered the river which was smooth as glass. My dad looked bleary eyed sitting by the fire, but glad to see me. I saw a soft shelled turtle in the shallows as soon as I got to the waters edge. It was the first one I'd ever seen. I chased it and finally caught it. They're incredibly fast and have crazy long necks. It threw it's head over it's shell snapping and biting at me- it's a miracle I did not lose a finger. We had some pretty exclusive fishing rights to some large area ranches tanks, lakes and river access although I don't know how or why.






• I nearly always spell from form.






• Do snakes have faces? I'm not sure that is correct


• Zac: Dad are you getting old? Yes, yes I am.

Monday's Missives

• Re watched Jurassic Park again last night. Another thought that kinda jumped out at me about it: wouldn't a predatory creature that stomps around sounding like thunder and nearly causing earthquakes starve to death?


• My leg's are closed! What's the password? I'll never tell! Well, you can show and tell... From an eavesdropped conversation in the library.
• Capernaum Village in Parker county is open and I may have gone by the time you read this.
• Watching John Adams the movie from the book by the same name by McCullough- pretty good. I've heard the book is great.
• Wonder if the hi lited the above will stay that way after this post is published?
• Cowboy Christmas Poetry at Mineral Wells State Park was great, but man- it was so co000ld. Some ladies outdoor club made Monkey Bread in Dutch ovens.
• That last sentence sounds vaguely wrong.

Trust Me

Monday's Missives

• Zac has seen me cry once. He thought I was goofin' and laughed at me. He has seen me get sick once. It terrified him.





• My 6 year old nephew just said,"Really." in answer to his mom questioning how late he stayed up last night.





• After my really hawt friend leaned over and hugged Zac when she stood up her top was stuck up over her hips showing her lacy pink panties just above her pants. Zac reached up and tapped her tummy with his index finger and said,"I see your wunnerwears."
• When Littlecar got smashed I screamed like a little girl.
  
  
• The church bells blocks away are tolling as I write this in my sister's house- beautiful and will always mean home.





• I once threatened to beat an ice cream truck operator when he parked in front of my house with the stupid music baring while I was trying to sleep when I was working nights.





• Yes, I did.

Thursday's Link O Rama

Six things that are secretly turning you into a bad person.

Thursday's Thoughts

Showed up with search for Black Creek Lake. Sure it's not, but a pretty cool pic.

This is Black Creek Lake- the bridge is gone. It's probably my fault.

• Zac and I went to Black Creek Lake and hiked around a big part of it. That place is still spooky- I rarely go there unarmed.



• The dam is in sorry shape.



• I noticed they tore the bridge across the creek down- wonder why?



• I see woodpeckers (up to 3 different species) every time I'm there.



• We laid under one of the pine trees on the far side and rested on 6 or 8 inches of needles lying on the ground.
• One careless campfire or vandal arsonist and that place will go up like crazy. I mean brush and tree branches can't even fall the ground after it dies- it dries out in a big tangle just waiting for that campfire, vandal or lightning for that matter.



• It's rare for me to have a headache, but I do, it's bad and it stinks.



• There were 30-40 ducks in the spillway basin.



• We saw a red tailed hawk carrying a squirrel. Zac asked,"Is the hawk going to take the squirrel home and play hide and seek with him?"

Popcorn Anyone?

I can't get anything right. It's a good thing I'm not into any careers like soldiering or nursing that take some attention to detail!

Pleasant Nightmares Y'all

Catman

Interestingly, this guy did this to honor his native American ancestry with Stalking Cat as his totem.

Wednesday's Digressions

• A local steak place used to quite belligerantly tell you they did not offer steak sauce since you do need sauce with our steaks.





• Man, an old friends widow just walked by me as I write this- she looks 70 years old- a hard 70 although I think she's a year or two younger than myself.





• Admission to Fort Worth Zoo is half price on Wednesdays.





• A weird consequence of having 70 percent of the US population being obese is I often have trouble finding clothes that fit.





• One day there will be specialty shops catering to height weight proportionate people.





• For some reason middle age+ female alcoholics will have a distinct pot belly even though they'll be otherwise slim.





• This morning I said to myself out of the blue,"Self, I'm sick of my job, my town and this apartment and mostly I'm sick of you. Amend your resume' and apply to every military contracting firm there is and get out of here, find some excitement and do something with your life."





• My inner self also refers to me as dude which comes out sound like dewd.

Do what thy manhood bids thee do,

from none except self expect applause;

He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self made laws.

Monday's Missives

• 
  
  
  
  I love this boy- he impresses me more everyday. I've said it before, but when I came home from downrange a baby would have been high on my list of things I thought I did not need. I just didn't know what I needed.
  
  
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• My last patient was a nurse in her working life- always nice to care for a fellow nurse and I'm very sure they generally get the extra TLC they deserve when they become a hospice patient.
  
  
• Another recent patients family was plagued with denial issues which continues to mystify me. How can you not see and grasp this person is dying and in fact not seem to get that we all die?
  
  
• Cigarette smokers as a rule are way more likely to have trouble accepting they are dying, will do everything they can to prolong their lives, blame their impending death on everything but their own behavior and their families more often than not follow suit.
  
  
• My eldest son's senior ring will be in soon. Speaking of denial- I cannot believe circumstance forced me to say that.
  
  
• Patients and/or their families always try to give me things especially books if the patient was a reader.
  
  
• Score: brand new looking The North Face fleece jacket for 4 bucks. My guess is it was something more than that new.
  
  
• Dilemma: I want an e reader- I need a GPS system for my car.
  
  
• Still love my Seiko chronograph, get as many compliments on it as any watch I've ever owned and I'm very sure one of my grandchildren will own it someday. It is obviously very high quality even as Seikos go and feels it.
  
  
• I get what someone means when they say, I'm more than sure, but isn't that a bit like a football coach saying, Give me 110%... ?
  
  
• I could not even make fun of it when a local person sold me a rubber bracelet that read, Save A Life- Be An Organ Doner, but man I wish I could have proofread it for them before they submitted their order.
  

  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Random Photo From Next Blog Button

Text: Die monster nalby hoek van Holland. Roughly translated I think it says: No beheaded semi androgynous solid black monsters may come on the beach in Holland and steal our bikinis and jock straps- though I'm not sure.

Hypnotic Image

Look off to the side of the image- trippy man

Monday's Missives

When Zac meets someone he sometimes says,"My name is Zachary and I a cowboy."

• My theme song. Cumbersome by Seven Mary Three.



• Cool- gumption is not hi lited by spell check.



• When I have some extra cash I'd like to make a sleeper out of The Beemer by installing a turbocharger.



• Zac is still put out about the Beemer- he had been lobbying for a Jeep for months.



• A friend of mine and I were browsing a pawn shop for him an auto loader shotgun when I noticed a cash deal fall through. The seller wanted 75 dollars outright for a slick looking pump shotgun. I casually mentioned it on the way out. He said,"Why didn't you tell me, I would have made a deal with him right there!" "You were looking for an auto loader- you retard." came my reply. "Yeah, but 75 bucks? I'll take a pump for that!" "Well, there he goes Mr Deal Maker- catch up to him." We jumped in the car and caught the guy at a light. My buddy honked the horn and got the guys attention. When he looked over at us Steve formed his hand in a circle with his thumb and fingers curled as it would be wrapped around the slide of a pump shotgun and motioned his wrist back and forth like he was operating a pump shotgun (can you see where this is going?). After he made that motion several times he then made the universal sign language of money changing hands by acting like bills were being pulled out of one hand by the other. The dudes eyes got wide, his mouth fell open and he dropped his truck in gear and peeled out running the stop light to get away from us.



• If I'm lying- I'm dying- that story is true. I laughed 'til I nearly got sick and my face hurt.



• Wonder if he and our prospective John still tell that story?
• I don't know what to think of any of the new Linkin Park songs- some will probably grow on me and some are just too weird and overwrought.

All We Need Is A Pool Of Alcohol

at the bottom to be every third graders nightmare vision.

Monday's Missives

My vaguely phallic (I only realised just now) African elephant wall hanger.

• Headline:"Eva Mendez doesn't want sexy to define her." 1) Who cares? 2) She has nothing to fear- she tops the list of unhot supposedly hot women in the US.



• Weird- "unhot" gets hi lited by my spell check.



• Can't leave the house- neighbor girl is mowing the yard and it's a billion degrees out there and I'm afraid she might stroke out while I'm gone. I already took her one water and have a Gatorade in the freezer. I remember when 5.00 bucks was pretty good pay for a decent size lawn and I used a push mower that I would have slogged halfway across town. She's using a riding mower and her services are an absolute bargain at 30.00.



• And I was thankful for cool hose water.



• And yes- it was uphill both ways.



• Zac is getting a full on set of fishing equipment (including some cool shades) plus PFD for swimming for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face when he gets home.



• For summer trips we always seemed to get at least a new beach towel and sunglasses. You simply cannot believe how cool I felt in the Panchorello of Chips fame mirrored shades I got one year.


• Another headline: "Dog sitters sued for 1 million dollars" further on the article asks, "Is this ridiculous or reasonable?" Proof we've lost our minds- they had to ask.


• It didn't take me more than 5 minutes to put this post together.

Pristine Waterfall

A springfed waterfall photographed in Honduras while hiking in to the ruins of Machu Pichu.

Just kidding- culvert in ditch down the street. Click to be unimpressed

Monday's Missives

• A friend-girl I hang out with some has a bad habit of pestering me about whether I've taken care of things I've casually mentioned I was going to do. Did you pay your insurance? Did you pick up your clothes? Did you...? Grrr- very annoying.
• See the emu Zac? Yes! Why is she sooo big? I don't know. Was God trying to be funny?




• Ever heard of a Hitler in golf? It's when your ball is in a sand trap and it takes 2 strokes to get it out- 2 shots in a bunker...



• While hanging out with the other ladies at the park watching our children play I called out,"Hey, stop running with that stick- you'll poke your eye out!" to Zac and immediately said,"Oh my God- I don't believe I just said that. I mean holy smokes I just turned into my mother. "I followed that with, "I know you don't have scissors, but when you do- run with them and no matter what- lean back in a chair- every chance you get.



• In the past two months I've eaten more beef jerky than I've eaten in the past two years.



• Last text meassage I received: U will make any woman happy! I know U will have the perfect woman that U so deserve!!

War Buddy Reunion

It's so weird bumping into guys you served with in Iraq. You're sitting there drinking coffee talking about jobs, kids and life in general then suddenly you can't hear a word they're saying. You're both standing there over that dead body. The breeze that had been blowing- cooling the sweat pouring out of every pore of your body causing you to shiver stops- the same breeze that must have incidentally carried away the smell of blood since you can suddenly taste it-that dirty coppery taste. You never forget it and you can't get it off of you until you shower and change clothes and then- maybe. It may linger for days.
There's a rushing noise in your ears and suddenly you're back. He tells the punch line to a joke and you both bust out laughing like crazy. You guys are having way tooo much fun the waitress says.

Dressed To Kill

Monday's Missives

• While talking to a friend at a restaurant about nursing a woman behind me said,"Can I ask what he does?" I turned and told her I was a nurse. She got up, stood in front of me and said,"Oh, I can relate." and started unbuttoning her shirt. I panicked and wanted to make a run for it, but she was blocking me in the booth. Thankfully, she didn't strip down in front of me and do a table dance, but stopped halfway down and pulled her shirt open to show me her open heart scar. Then she turned around and poked her butt out toward me and pointed to her hiney and mentioned some work she had done there. Then she said,"I like to learn about the history of things and stuff." and sat back down.


• Spellcheck hi lites hiney.





• My last patient was in the ghetto. When you turned the kitchen light on it threw sparks and hissed.





• I've never turned down a case based on the area they lived.





• I think most guys that hunt would think it's sexy for a woman to hunt.




• The other day Zac stuck a straw in his milk and stirred it, when asked why he said,"Because I want it to turn to strawberry." Did I mention he's three? Play on words especially ones he thought up himself are supposed to be beyond his grasp at this stage.

Man Eating Female Tarrantula At Mineral Wells State Park

• We met Rebecca Miller at the star watching party at MWSP. Man, she is short! She seemed gracious and good humored. She has a great laugh. She was wearing impossibly high platform shoes.
• Zac can now tell you how many moons Jupiter has and when he feels like it - how far away it is.
• That was the first time I saw Jupiter and all her moons.
• We ate sunflower seeds, beef jerky, cashews, pineapple and drank OJ and Dr Peppers.
• It was the first time I've had my children in one place in way too long.
• I told Scott we were going to walk all the way around the lake (650 acres)- he said fine. And camp halfway- sounds great. While sleeping in hammocks under the stars- sounds cool. And eat cold food and drink lake water we filter- sounds great to me he said.
• Me too.
  

Now That We've Gotten That Straight

Zac: What is this? while pointing to his nipple.
Me: It's a nipple
Do you have nipples?
Yes I do
Do grandma and grandad have nipples?
Yes
Does bubba have nickels?
Yes.
Does everyone in the whole world have nickels?
Yes, everyone.
Everybody?
Yes.
Do dogs have knuckles?
Yes.
Do cats have knuckles?
Yes

Wednesday's Digressions

• Best comment/compliment I've received in a while: "You have an expression that's kind of rough yet gentle at the same time."






• An old ex friend indicated once to an acquaintance he thought my 14 year old niece was hot. He had the decency to get killed before I could bump into him to hurt him.






• Zac recently said to his older brother's principal,"Why is your belly so big?"






• There were two generals on horseback during our War Between The States. When a shell went off between them from enemy artillery they neither scarcely even flinched, but one couldn't help looking down afterwards in a shudder to where the round exploded. For decades until his death he would lament in writing and verbally he showed less courage under fire than the other officer. I do not recall who they were, but simply love that story.






• Another one that always strikes me when I hear or read it- President Lincoln said of Robert E. Lee,"I cannot think of the man that I do not weep."






• I kinda thought a Mexican server was interested in me at a restaurant I frequent, but wasn't sure until I took a friend there who happens to be female. There was absolute murder in her eyes. Man, they're jealous. I could just see us a couple of years from now as she reverts to Spanglish: Hoto! Puto! Madre de Dios- I wish to Hey Seuss I'd never met you! All the while alternating between slapping me on the face and hitting my chest with the balls of her fists.





• When a person gets tattoos all over their face and neck they better get ready to stay right where they're at for the rest of their lives- they're saying this is all there is and ever will be.






• I give great presents to my nieces and nephews for their birthdays.
• I'll be at Mineral Wells State Park for a star watching party with my children Saturday October 9 2010. It starts at 430 in the afternoon. Last year there were 90 telescopes set up in the parking lot to the amphitheater.

If You're Not Part Of The Solution...

find someone else to blame.

Monday's Missives

• I hate using the library computers for this- too many stinky peoples. The guy next to me smells like butt, feet, sweat, cigarettes, moth balls and rotten teef- disgustipating. Can't decide whether to go with an air card or home land line service though and really don't want to be wasting money.


• I very rarely use the word hate. As a matter of fact there are relatively very few people who can say they've heard me verbally use it.


• Lunch and breakfast: two handfuls of dried pineapples, same of dried dates and honey roasted peanuts washed down with two glasses of skim milk. Let me just say dinner will be more substantial. My midnight snack will be the same as always though- protein shake and creatine in OJ. Workouts are going great. Although I'm no where where I want to be I'm coming out of shirts I bought only a month ago.


• Recently found out a good old friend and his wife were nudists at one time- blew me smooth away. I mean literally- I nearly fell over when he told me.


• My beautiful skin is not so awesome today. I changed soaps and since I was on the phone after bathing did not towel off well so I must have left some soap on me- I look like a leper. Contact dermatitis is the devil and diphenhydramine and Aveeno hydrocortisone ointment both some kind of avenging angels.


• I sort of knew hospice nursing was going to bring me someone special in my life however- the lesson was it would be many.


• If there's a good death my last patient died it. He just kind of slipped off with his family surrounding him saying Hail Mary's, The Lord's Prayer and telling him they loved and would miss him.

Saturday's Summary

• Went to Lone Star Gun Gallery this afternoon and busted off a 100 rounds from an M4. It's a very nice place and for 18 bucks an hour reasonable entertainment. Felt very good- after initial weird feeling, since I had not touched an M4 since the war. I've taught my oldest to shoot, but now need to teach him the M4 since that's what his life will depend on when he's in the Army. The circle of life I suppose.




• My shoulder is red and chewed up looking- cool.




• I had forgotten that Michael Stipe produced Being John Malkovich until I re watched it last night. Next up for my viewing pleasure: Donnie Darko. For the life of me I can't remember hearing Gary Jules Mad World on the soundtrack in the past although it's one of my favorite songs of all time.




• Going day after tomorrow to donate blood for a local child who required 62 units during a recent hospital stay.




• Zac wants a motorcycle and a boat (a big, REAL big boat) he specified- my kind of thinking there buddy.




• Saw a past hospice patients daughter in a restaraunt a while back. She looked at me like she was trying to figure out where she knew me from then her face got red and she became so sad looking I thought she would burst into tears. This is just part of the reason why it's generally a bad idea for continuous care hospice nurses to stay in contact with patients families. We see them in extremely emotional situations when they are very raw and vulnerable. They are also very self conscious of the fact they were not acting themselves and see it as you saw them being weak and maybe a little crazy.




• He was the one who after being unresponsive for hours and was very near death lifted his head and said,"What happened to you man? You lost yourself somehow." He was right- I had. Chills went up my back. He was one of the very few patients who I told the family I would have like to have known him when he was healthy. He was with it enough the first night I cared for him he said he would have liked to have known me when he was healthy. I think he was the first patient to say anything like that to me. He was one of those people you'd have to say, He was a good man.

Not Enough People Would Take This To Heart

Monday's Missives

• Yesterday Zac and I walked the trails at Holland Lake Park. We saw a girl walking a great Dane so stopped and chatted. We talked about his weight and age etc. She mentioned he was in training to be a therapy dog for nursing home patients. I started telling her about ours- how he loved that I slept during the day so he could pile up in bed and sleep all day, how he would jump into my lap and lay with me while I sat in the recliner, how he disappeared on 4 July when neighbors started shooting fireworks. And then as I looked down in his eyes it hit me and I blurted out,"Hey wait- this my dog!" then,"Goose, what are you doing?" and he smiled, stepped forward and leaned against me with all his weight (like he always did) to be petted. What could I do? He's more than well cared for and will be doing therapy work, but what a coincidence. I just wished them both well after I scrunched his head skin up to make his face look funny and then scratched behind his ears and his back right over his tail.





• A friend who happens to be married called the other night. After a lengthy discourse on how sick of her husband she was, how worthless he is and how mad she was over something he did she said,"I want to come spend the day with you Saturday- want to hang out?" Now I don't know everything, but something tells me that might not be the best idea in the world.





• I ate champagne grapes for the first time today- very tasty.





• Zac griped yesterday about how the belts to his car seat fit. I explained they had to be that way to keep him safe in case we wrecked the car. He said," Well, then we could get a new car- a Jeep! Like that one right there."




• Dollar Tree is a lot better than they used to be I think.
• I feel weird nearly every time I'm asked my age even though compliments about how I don't look my age will nearly always follow- it just never sounds right to hear my age. We worry too much about that anyway.



• Women loved to be told they have a pleasant sounding voice.

And With That- I Bid You Adieu And Wish You Well

Hey Kev. sorry for the delay I've been out of town. Another thing I've actually started seeing someone serious. I think both being nurses and working opposite shifts would have been a challenge. Anyway I just wanted to be straight with u. I hope you have a nice weekend.

-The last text message I received.

File This Under Need To Talk To This Chick More Often

We join my last telephone conversation in progress:
She What are you doing?
Me Reading my new book
What are the odds? What are you reading?
The Gettysburg Nobody Knows
Good?
Very- very good and interesting. It's well written and concise and uses a lot of period correspondence- letters and stuff like that- I like that.
Sounds good. Was just thinking about you
What about me?
That first day I saw you.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, gotta say you impressed me.
How?
Seeing you there in that hat interacting with those guys and your son- it was obvious they all admired you.
Oh man,thanks.
Want to know something else?
Maybe?
When I reached out and touched your arm it blew me away.
What do you mean?
Well, I've never felt anything like that. Your skin was soooo soft, but your muscles were like rock under there. Your body is perfect.
You need to get out more! But, thanks I appreciate it.

The world would be a better place if more people thought as highly of me as she.

Wednesday's Digressions

• Zac and I went camping last night at Mineral Wells State Park. I am beat. We rented a screen shelter- he called it "camp house". It was about a billions degrees in there when we went to sleep and I woke up freezing at 3 AM. He felt like a block of ice also. We almost took the bike trail- on the assumption it was 12 miles long like I've heard. I just looked it up- 20+ miles. The horror...



• We did the night hike Saturday night. David Owens called up some screech owls and they flew right over us and roosted 50 feet away and fussed at us. What simple fun.



• I miss the military and even more importantly miss war and still might sign on with a private military contracting organization.


• It's Tuesday and I'm back to finish this post.


• Women should learn not everyone can get away with wearing turquoise.


• I have 3 friends I can really count on- lean on actually and they know they can do the same with me. One never sleeps at night so when my patient kicks the bucket in the middle of the night we'll talk for hours.


• On the way home last night I thought, I simply cannot wait until I have someone who loves me to come home to then just as quickly thought no- I look forward to the time I can come home to someone who loves me. My apartment is home though and I feel very comfortable and safe there.


• There have been many unusual things in my patients homes in the past however, the AT4 rocket launcher in last nights case may take the cake.

Rear View

Monday's Missives

• Queen Adreena with my new favorite cover of Jolene.





• My friend and neighbor has been dead over a year now. He had a band with Wes Orbison (yes,Wes' son). They were just getting together and getting things figured out. It's a shame he's gone.





• I would have finally been able to realize my dream- of being a roadie.





• It would have been great.





• Got a stupid virus on my machine. Lost a lot of important documents and at least 10,000 pictures.





• Oh, and 200 bucks to fix the mess.





• "Went to work, but they took patient to the hospital in the night." Text from fellow hospice nurse.





• Yes, they took a hospice patient to hospital- so ridiculous. Do not even know that patient but I promise you, there will be untold suffering at the hands of her family who have medical power of attorney over her until her body can take no more she dies and then, then the family will finally have to start dealing with her death.





• Did I mention Zac saw an old corded motel room phone on our trip and didn't know what it was? He picked it up first thing and said,"What's this?" and proceeded to take it apart and put it back together.





• "god give us back Paul. you can take justin Bieber." From the comments on a Slipknot video regarding their bass player Paul Gray who died in 2010.

Wednesday's Digressions

• A friend recently told me she'd had feelings for me at one time and wanted to be more than friends, but she's over it now. I had no idea. I'm glad I didn't do anything dumb and hurt her.
• The world is a very small place. Recently, during our second conversation was able to ask a girl who was raised 200 miles away from me how many fingers her grandad had- since I knew he lost two during WWII.
• I would dearly love to have another baby- so much so it tugs at my heart when I hear one cry.
• Two different people have told me I'm nuts when I've mentioned that- the only two people I have told.
• I discussed what kind of truck my oldest son would like to own yesterday- not in a vague, some day, far away, daydreaming way- in an I'm looking now kind of way and when we got off the phone my head was spinning.
• I've been told multiple times,"You're built pretty good for an old guy." That is what the old timers would call a sideways compliment.
• An old friend just sent me some porn on my phone labelled AT&T Account Balance. It nearly caused me to swallow my tongue- raunchy. I've told two other people about him doing this (in spite of telling him to stop) and one day tried to send a tamer example to the ones I'd told, but somehow even though I used my contacts from the phone I sent two copies to one person I don't even know. For days I was afraid to answer the door just sure a US Marshal would be there to arrest me for interstate pornalization or whatever they'd call it.
• Zac looooves the Beemer- when the sunroof is open. The other night he saw the full moon through it and was ecstatic when he realised what it was.
• A friend said to me the other day, "Blessings are coming to you."
• Bring it on.

Crazy Comment From Hulu User Reviews

"fox news, huh?
what can be said about fox news that hasn't been already? Also, I don't believe in them, but i think geraldo rivera might be a reptillian. "

Monday's Missives

• I get told quite often that Zac is a treasure- even by people who don't really know us, they've just interacted with us or have seen he and I interacting at the park or in a restaurant etc.
• We are at the library. A minute ago some weirdo started goosing Zac. Before I could tell him to stop or give a dirty look Zac recoiled and said, "Stop, you're getting me dirty!"


• Still cannot ever spell restaurant correctly.


• Nope, not even that time.


• There are signs in the old Casino Beach park on Lake Worth warning that alligators have been spotted there. Would be just my luck...


• Got my heart broken fairly recently. The resultant case of butthurt simply would not cut loose of me and give me my life back. However, she did something soooo gratuitously cruel quite a while after the fact that my feelings for her disappeared right at that point- gone, nothing. That has never happened to me before. I think we all assume those feelings kind of die on the vine over time and fade away so it was shocking to me that they were just gone. I would not have believed it if someone had told me it was possible.


• Recently a woman said to me,"I like you. I really do." "Oh yeah- what do like about me?" said I. "Well, you're sooo cool. I like that you're a great nurse, your tan skin, and most of all the fact you're a sweet gentleman- that's very sexy!"


• What an ego boost. What 'til she gets to know me a little better though.


• I've posted this recently, but I can't get enough of it- take it away Neon Trees with Animal.

Monday's Missives

• When I was growing up our phone number was one digit off from the drive in and we constantly got calls about what was showing. One night someone called and asked my dad what was showing. Without missing a beat he said,"Well, we're watching Gunsmoke at our house. It just started, so if you hurry you won't miss much"


• A man I knew who lived through the siege of Khe Sanh after stopping off there while en route to another point died recently from complications of diabetes- seems sad and weird to live through something so epically horrendous and die from what some think of as such an innocuous disease. After a patrol his platoon leader told his guys,"We can either lay up here for tonight since dark is going to catch us and set up an ambush over the trail or we can didi mao across to Khe Sanh get a hot shower and chow and some good sleep and roll out in the morning at first light and head to our rally point." He put it to a vote so of course the ambush idea didn't stand a chance. Tony said they got their shower, chow and a bunk to sleep in and then the rockets started raining down and they didn't stop for a month. Wonder if his children and grandchildren know this story? Anyway, didn't want to let it die. Man, I enjoyed getting to know you buddy- Yolanda misses you terribly and I know your granchildren will as well.





• While not anxious to do so I'm not afraid of dying- not even alone which seems to terrify a lot of people.




• I get very worried when I don't hear from a particular friend for a while although I have plenty of other people who I may also lose contact with for longer periods of time that I just won't be as concerned over.




• An old friend went and auditioned at Lebears strip club (guys do the stripping women do the watching) as a goof with another friend after hearing about it on a radio promo. He was told by the manager,"I like your legs - nice and long, just get a better tan and come back we'd would love to have you dance here." Years later his father identified his body by his tattoos after his corpse was drug up out of Eagle Mountain Lake. It's funny though, after all the really memorable/crazy experiences we had through the years that ridiculous try out which I was not even there for is what I remember most about him.


• Kinda cool video for a really cool song- Metric with their smash hit Gold Guns Girls

Friday's Dispatch

• Recently a woman started talking to me out of the blue about reading the Bible. I mentioned a friend who uses a schedule to read through the entire Bible in a year- he just starts over each January and has done this for years. I offered to find her the schedule and bring her a copy. Within 2 hours another woman who happened to be married wanted to come over and spend the rainy day with me between the sheets. Mmmm- go to the library in the pouring rain and print out a Bible schedule for one woman or spend the day with something warm and pretty while listening to it rain?


• I am an oak I found out that day.


• A friend took her boyfriends ashes to a memorial where there was going to be food and drinks afterward. As she and her friend walked in the friend said,"Where can I put this?" speaking of the box of cremated remains. "Oh, I'll take them- if they're steaks." a guy there answered.


• The same girl speaking of her deceased boyfriend who was very large before being reduced to 6-8 pounds of ashes said as she placed the box in her compact car,"Well, for once you can finally fit in my car."


• There are several cases of suicide bombers bones being propelled into the bodies of victims and they can't be removed- that weirds me out, but I bet not as bad as it does those survivors.


• If you want to see God laugh, just tell him your plans. Quote from a very, very good movie you must watch- Bella. Believe me go buy it don't rent it.

To Catch A Predator

is playing for keeps

Monday's Missives

My inner 12 year old giggled.




• Knob Creek machinegun shoot- night fire with explodey goodness as they blast barrels of diesel. If it gets any better than this I don't even want to know about it- one more reason to love America.




• Heard Merideth Viera say earlier, "Six year old beauty queen Jon Benet Ramsey." without even a hint of irony while introducing a segment on that moron John Karr who falsely confessed to her murder. What is wrong with us? Who could possibly think it's right to objectify children with sick pageants anyway? Gruesome aspects I've noticed when there's a story related to this practice: the mothers of these children are nearly always fat, ugly and don't seem to be very well put together psychologically.




• And the father is nearly always timid, creepy and effeminate.



• Recently, a porn actor murdered another and then hurt a couple of others. The article I perused used the word,"colleague" when referring to those involved relationships.



• Pfftht.



• I like the word wombat.

Wednesday's Digressions

• At 110 MPH Beemer is making about 5500 RPMs. I love the manual shift- holy smokes it pulls out great.




• Why so fast? My favorite song was on Deftones- Change (In The House Of Flies). Don't even bother- I assure you, you won't like it.




• Zac can bench press 15 pounds.




• "I'm calling whine one one for you right now"- last text I received.




• Ha!




• I got drunk dialed again last night. This time an old friend who moved out of state. I couldn't hear a word she said so she said (or rather slurred)," Doth worry. I go aside on the balcony. I get great ceptions there." I heard a sliding door open then she said,"Now..." and there was a bang-crash-boom then click and nothing. She didn't call back and wouldn't answer when I tried. About 3 hours later as I was dozing off it hit me- Oh God- please don't tell me she just took a nose dive off her balcony and pile drivered herself into the sidewalk...




• Oh, speaking of weird calls- I may have mentioned the little baby who would call my phone. She would say,"What you doin?" Driving, what you doin baby? "Nothing- what you doin?" she would reply. Then she'd say,"I love you." and I'd say back, I love you too. Again she'd say,"I love you." and I'd say,"I love you too." This happened 2-3 times a week for a month and I never figured out who it was. Then, one night at work an older child- maybe 8? year old girl left a voice mail from the same number at about midnight," Mama, I want you to come home NOW ! We need you. Come home NOW mama !"




• Sickening.
• There's nothing in this world like when Zac tells me he loves me.

Friday's Dispatch

• Yesterday Zac looked out the window of the car and said, "Wow, that's a big hand!" After a glance around and nothing big handedish being noted he was asked, "Where?" "Right there!" he said pointing to a big puffy cloud that yes- resembled a hand fairly well.



• "The panther is like a leopard, Except it hasn't been peppered. Should you behold a panther crouch, Prepare to say Ouch. Better yet, if called by a panther, Don't anther."- Panther: my favorite David Ogden Nash poem.



• "I always thought you'd be an explorer an adventurer or a mountain climber or something." That was the last thing my mom said to me. She wasn't being cruel or registering disappointment- just stating what she had thought. There's still time for me and oddly enough I've always kind of known if there is a way to make it happen I'd climb Everest.



• Limp Bizkit Walking Away. A new, simply awesome song by Limp Biz. Yes, I said, "new" "awesome" and "Limp Bizkit" in a sentence.



• On the road if you get behind one of the new sportier Volvo's they'll always drive fast, but safely.



• In the movies if they want an automated door to open, close or stop midway they do the same thing- shoot the control panel.

Turn Away If You Don't Want To See My Darkside

Here's my story.





On one of the rare patrols we had that I was not leading the lead truck called back on the radio, "Send Doc and Combatkevin forward we got at least one casualty here- looks bad, an abdominal wound-blood is everywhere." I ordered my driver to collapse onto the scene from the flank security position we'd been holding. As I approached a car full of civilians with Doc we saw a small girl bent over at the waist. She was wearing nice clothes that seemed threadbare and obviously hand me downs and was holding a white prayer cloth against her abdomen. The cloth was about half covered with bright red blood and was partially black from flies. Her clothes absolutely swallowed her and made her seem even more alone small and fragile. I had her princely, smug little brother who was wearing new western style clothes removed from the car. After saying Hello and it's going to be OK in terrible Arabic I said in English with my softest most gentle tone,"Here baby let me see. I can help you. My daughter is about your age..." and had to step back in surprise to widen my field of view when I saw no visible wound to her abdomen and did not feel anything, but sweat on her back. I then saw her thickly clubbed nails and simultaneously realised she was the size yes of a seven year old , but was probably closer to twelve. And then it hit me- that sweet sickly smell of overwhelming tuberculosis infection- she had TB plus probably a genetic heart defect. She had been coughing blood up onto the cloth. We gathered a history from the parents and since she was in danger of losing her life we knew we could request she be allowed to be brought in for treatment. Everything went well until TB was mentioned- no isolation facilities available.





The parents reported they'd already attempted to take her to the hospital in Fallujah after leaving a wedding, but turned around when they saw an insurgent roadblock. "Cool- let's go kill those fools and escort 'em to the Fallujah hospital." someone said.





Again back to the radio and again request denied although this time higher up allowed us to escort them to a nearby village which had a small clinic.





She was deteriorating before our eyes turning a ghastly pale as she struggled just to breath.





We shagged out to the village where a crowd starting forming rapidly while someone went to look for the guy referred to as a physicians assistant. The father let her get out of the car and try try to walk by herself. I snapped my fingers at him and motioned for him to pick her up. He gave me what I thought was the stupidest look I'd ever seen and stood there starely blankly at me as she struggled to breath and walk. "Mark, tell that jackass to pick her up before I buttstroke him and carry her before she dies right here in front of us" I barked at our interpreter. "Gawd almighty. Animals- daughter so sick she can't walk and you have to tell the father to carry her?!" Doc said.





The father half dropped her under a crepe myrtle tree her legs splayed out to her sides, her head hanging over blood and drool flowing from that tiny mouth. She was absolutely gray- worn out from just the effort to breathe and dying in front of us. There were crepe myrtle blossoms all over the ground which had dropped from the heat earlier in the day. The blossoms were being blown around by a cool breeze coming off the lake- just swirling all around her. Those red and pink blossoms mixed with that poor babies blood. She was so alone- utterly alone in her suffering and the crowd of gawkers continued to grow.









"Mark tell these people to get back. Get 'em away from me. I don't want them anywhere near me. Tell them to go home."





"What can I do for her Kev.?" Doc asked when we realised the PA may not come. I named off the three drugs that would give her some relief- one to pull fluids from her body another to dry remaining fluids up and a third to strengthen her heart and to ease her pain. "I got all that. What kinda doses should I use man?" he asked ripping his aid bag open. I rattled off the doses of two meds off quickly and informed him I'd calculate the other if he wanted me to then said,"Man, I'm not going to leave you hanging- you know I won't, but this child is dying. There is nothing we can do to stop the fact she will be dead in two or three hours. Before the sun sets she'll be dead. She'll be dead and I promise you since we gave her the meds her parents will blame us and three weeks from now we'll watch everybody else leave for the states while we wait in Kuwait for an investigation to be completed." "Oh my God. You are right- they'll charge us." "Probably won't charge us, but there will be an investigation." I said.




"F#@K that!" he said zipping his bag back up.




We roared off shortly after this exchange since the PA had returned and started to immediately run some IV fluids on her wide open- the absolute worst thing he could have done especially since he indicated that was all he was going to do for her. He was essentially drowning her.




On the way home we were all quiet- alone with our thoughts. I tried to will the sun to set so I'd know she was dead since I knew by the time it set she'd be gone and her suffering would be over and functionally that was all I did to relieve her agony. I was only vaguely surprised I felt nothing for her that would compensate for me being away from my family for one more minute.




My heart felt cold- literally cold and hard and in that moment I knew where the expression cold hearted came from.

I simply did not care.

In the following days guys came up who were on the periphery of the scene doing security and so did not know everything that transpired- they simply knew we took a sick child off a highway and took her to a clinic. They would come up to me and say,"Good job with that kid- it's good to help people for a change huh?" etc. I would look at them like they were a bug and walk away.

Doc and I are the only only ones carrying that poor, tiny girl's soul around- even senior leadership on the ground don't know the whole story.

Only the two of us- healers each of us known as Doctor Mister in the villages we had visited in the past for our impromptu clinics on the hood of a HUMVEE.

That night I was filled with something that I'll have to call grief for lack of a better term. It's rare I'm at a loss to describe my feelings, but that's the best I can do. After tossing and turning for hours I went out to the smoke pit to see if there was anyone I knew there to talk to get my head together. No one was there just a fire in the burn barrel- it oddly seemed lonely without humans. I walked off into the desert at first not sure why. When I realised I needed to cry I went even further. When I was out of any ambient light I stopped and felt tears start to burn my eyes. I dropped to my knees on the ground and choked up like I was going to bawl like a baby- and then it stopped. That was it- nothing. I looked around surprised and unsure what was going on- maybe that was all I needed or that was all I had to give, I don't know. I went back to the tent and slept- I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.




It's been nearly five years since that day. A red crepe myrtle tree that's dropped it's blossoms on the ground can still stop me dead in my tracks.

Stone Sour: Bother
I wish I were too dead to cry
My self affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
I wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying.

Wednesday's Digressions

Big bubba just didn't know how much help he needed while working the stock show.

• With one exception every Emily Dickinson poem can be sung to the tune of Teh Yellow Rose Of Texas.



• Did I make that up? I don't know, I've had that thought stuck in my mind for a while, but I don't know where I read or heard it. And yes- I caught the "teh" foible- I do that every time and have decided to embrace the teh.



• Recently, I learned something awful about someone I do business with occasionally and he will not get another nickel of mine.



• Of course the awfulity of drinking OJ after brushing your teeth is legendary, but have you ever tried eating a peach after same? I do no recommend the practice.



• Bleack.



• The dance scene from Matrix Reloaded is very sexy to me for some reason.

What I'm Listening Too

Cheap Trick I Want You To Want Me live at Rockpalast Germany 1979

Monday's Missives

• My 16 year old will have an associates degree completed by the time he graduates high school. Maybe youth isn't wasted on young people.


• Zacs new thing- he asks for,"An orange juice to go please." when leaving a restaurant.


• At Bridgeport Lake yesterday I was surrounded by my sister's family- outlaws and in laws as we say. A thunderstorm was forming clouds old timers called thunderheads and it was about a billion degrees. If it was sensitive, private, inaccessible and on me- it was coated in sand. I pulled a muscle towing a nephew on a boogie board. Zac said he was going to pee by the car, but when I turned to cover him he dropped his shorts and took a growler forcing me to find a sack and pick it up and throw it away. I also got some doo-doo on my hand helping him wipe his hiney with a Jack In The Box napkin. And I was content- incredibly content, surrounded by people who didn't choose me, but love me in spite of myself.


• At least two women at the apartments has looked at me, down at Zac, up to my ring hand and back up to me and said,"He's so cuuuuute!" or "Y'all look adorable together."


• When I see a guy in an Army uniform I feel incredibly jealous.


• Workouts are coming along great. I'm on target to look pretty sick by Christmas if I don't injure myself. I'm already coming out of shirts which were tight-ish to start with. I've advanced enough if I miss my workout I feel bad, can't sleep and get irritable. I'm not fully sure why that happens- it's somewhat psychological I'm sure, but there is a physiological component as well.


• Fort Worth Museum Of S and H is great following the remodel and all the new exhibits, but like lunches- there's no free parking.
• My new favorite song- Neon Trees Animal.

Saturday's Summary

• Off to Mineral Wells State Park.
• There is simply nothing better than friends- new or old.
• I may occasionally say Good morning to my children first, but I try to make the first thing they hear I love you.
• Zac and I were at the fitness center well before 7:00 AM. He would get more out of the workouts if he would quit flirting with the college girls.
• We're at friends who have a gorgeous 16 year old daughter- can't tear him away.
• Bought Dublin Dr. Peppers at Wally World this morning. Life got a little better after that.
• "You look sharp!" the girl at Kohls said to Zac when he marched out of the dressing room. I'm surprised he didn't say, I know.
• He was probably thinking it.
• We're out of here! Fun times.

What I'm Listening To Right Now

which is also one of my favorite songs Civil Twilight Letters From The Sky

Tuesday's Thoughts

• I'm unbelievably sleepy- carb. overload from Sweetie Pies I guess and the onions don't help. If I'm already tired they knock me smooth out.
  
• Here you go- Cage The Elephant- No Rest For The Wicked. You were right- thanks.


• 'Does it exist?' she asked in a recent text. I really believe so, so let's hope for the best.


• Are geckos native to Texas? I didn't think so, but there are areas of the metroplex that are covered with them.


• You know you're a hospice nurse when you've attempted a repair of a Seal A Meal, walked the patients dog and captured a gecko in the daughters bedroom to release it outside- all in a single shift.
• I'm responding real well to working out again- can already tell shirts are fitting tighter, I feel good and thankfully haven't re injured myself.
• If it gets any hotter the air will burst into flames.

Friday's Dispatch

I don't know where to start.

• The case I'm working now is unbelievably hard. He has a very- very high acuity level and the case is inherently sad. Also- he has C-difficile infection making him explode in a cloud of brown goo about every 20 minutes.


• Code Brown.


• Note to future patients: just because I kept you cracking up, was unnaturally patient with the situation and we learned each others life stories does not mean I want to drive an hour to be destroyed for twelve by coming back. Believe me it was way more fun for you than me.


• I'll be back. If you know nothing else about me- know I'm a slow learner and a glutton for punishment.


• Did I mention I flipped a bedpan full of doo-doo all over me and had to wear some ridiculous high water polyester sweats while the patiwents wife washed my stuff?
• Patiwents? Ha- patients.


• It was AWESOME!
• Recently two different women at two different times leaned in and confided in a conspiratorial/attempted humorous tone how they gutted their ex husbands in the divorce. Believe me that's less than attractive.
• Most recent woman who seems interested in me is maybe 25, is covered in tattoos and has no children.
• What could possiblie go rong?
• Zac has caught four fish this year. We go to Denny's every morning before we go fishing. He asks for , "Orange juice and stwawbewees pwease!" every time. He is such an awesome person.
• Big brother spent a lot of the summer wake boarding behind a Ski Nautique. Man oh man. That colicky baby I drove around in my awesome 1988 Camaro at all hours of the night so at least one of us could get some peace and quiet is 6 ft+ tall dark with perfect teeth and is chasing girls on the lake while wake boarding.
• Simply unbelievable.

Monday's Missives

Humans are sooo unbelievably dumb. Pay you to place my child near something that could rip him in half literally faster than you could blink an eye? Sure- why not?

• I've never eaten any type of kabob or the testicles of any animal.




• Could see the first statement changing- not the second without some sort of sorcery- or at least treachery.
• This is my first post since forever although I continue my dumb journals in the notebook I use for work. Still like coming back and seeing the posts I've missed and read each one.
• Seriously contemplating a return to public health nursing. It has: great hours, surprisingly good retirement and pay and could you feel any better about yourself when you're helping essentially helpless people and improving public health?




• There is a big deal made over stats from some study every year or two about how men are _____ times more likely to cheat than women in a relationship. You couldn't make me believe there's that big of a difference and due to the fact a dog ugly woman will have ten guys elbowing each other out of the way to have sex with her it wouldn't be surprising if they are less faithful than men.




• It's odd to me people will wring their hands in holy horror that heroin is considered a legitimate drug in some countries while understanding morphine is a legitimate drug to control severe pain here in the United States when they each essentially convert into the same drug in the human body.




• I often catch myself now inadvertently using there when it should be their in a sentence I'm writing.




• So, that's where it starts...




• You would not believe either the sheer volume or nasty content of spam comments I received when I did a post about a cock fight near my hometown.

Friday's Late Dispatch- Loneliness A Brief Treatise Involving Intensely Scientific Observations And Generally All The Answers To All The Questions

• Is there anything worse than loneliness? It's even worse than heartache I'm sure. Heartache as a certain ebb and flow and times even a certain blunt numbness that eases the pain, but loneliness? It wraps itself around you festering- sometimes making it impossible to do the things that may otherwise make you feel better.




• My heart really goes out to lonely folks.




• I've never looked at them the same after experiencing it firsthand for the first time. Want to know lonely? Visit with that neighbor you have whose name you may not even know who is 80 something and lost her spouse of 50+ years two years ago.




• Really, it will be good for both of you.




• Is it worse for men when it truly happens?




• Why when I ask that question aloud do I nearly get my head ripped off by angry women?




• I think on balance though it may be due to better support systems and continuous obligations women must throw themselves into which will ease the pain until time can work its magic. Women almost always have to be tougher- men can wallow when not engaged in their occupation- women seldom have time.




• When I was young I jetted off out of state and went to college and spent over a year on my own and when even younger went halfway around the world in the military often travelling out by myself from my posts. It was viewed as a strength which was commented on often- "How can you be alone so much and seem so happy? I would die!" At the time, although reasonably cognisant of how devastating loneliness could be and a compassionate person when I saw it, I was at the heart of the issue- clueless and smugly basked in the adulation I received based on my so called strength.




• Mostly, I was lucky I've since learned. There was a natural resilience due to my youthfulness, a generally outgoing personality and curiosity (all of which helped more than I could have known at the time) and in times of need (yes, even when I didn't know I needed them) people close to me were truly interested in my welfare.
• I hope to be there for others and be thankful for those interested enough in my welfare to be remembered long after I knew I needed them.

Monday's Missives

Zac playing with a toy excavator that was mine when I was little. It's been floating around the yard of the house I grew up in for 35-40 years. The string Zac is holding is part of a fairly complex series of cables and pulleys that allowed it to function like a real one. Teaching him how to play with it I was a little boy again for a second- bursting into tears when mom would put me off about restringing it so it would work- "I've got to make lunch!" she'd say "But, Mama Pleeeeeease!" I'd say,"Pretty please with sugar on top!" I'd add in moments of desperation. Worked every time- "Oh, good grief!" she'd say as she grabbed the butter knife she knew she'd need to straighten out the rats nest of string wrapped around the pulleys.

• Always cool: I took pictures of a couple of my pistolas recently- to show a girl.



• After she showed me hers.



• I want to to the college libraries where I've attended and see my picture in the annuals.


• Huntingtons Chorea- terrible disease. Thankfully, I've only cared for two patients in my career.


• I don't like any medication that makes me sleep- makes me feel helpless/powerless.


• Of my mom someone said,"She did the best she could with what she had." Don't guess you could ask for more from a person and now I get that.


• I didn't feel well the other day and I left my sisters house without saying bye to my brother in law and I still fell feel badly about it. He's a rock for a lot of people I think.


• Inception looks fantastic and since Dicaprio is in it you know it will be good.


• Sorry if you know and care about me, but the Beemer is as comfortable at 120 mph as it is at 50 mph.


• Like I said- if you know me...