Thursday, June 28, 2012

Political Posits

"Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes! Think about this one: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment. "south40

Thursday, June 21, 2012

How To Annoy Your Waiter?

1. Three words: eat the check.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage"

.8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip. from someotherblog- didn't think most were remotely funny though, on a slow night I could see myself pulling numbers 1 and 4.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Proverbial Pondering

The daughter of The Lion is also a lion."~ African Proverb

Monday, June 11, 2012

Monday's Missives

  • The other day at the  pool a very pretty red headed woman came down and asked a hugely fat woman sitting nearby, How's the water? It's way too cold. Red rolled her eyes and dived in (I liked her immediately for that), she then swam up to me and said, How are you?
  • I cleaned my bellybutton with a Q Tip and hydrogen peroxide this morning.
  • If you let milk set long enough to warm some it becomes sweeter tasting- why?
  • The sampler combo thing at Olive Garden is very good.
  • I saw your brown eyes turning once to fire. You are like a hurricane- there's calm in your eyes

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Best Of Craigslist

email this posting to a friend best of craigslist > toronto > Carry my casket - m4w Originally Posted: Tue, 27 Jan 20:30 EST
Carry my casket - m4w
Date: 2009-01-27, 8:30PM EST
I have come to a realization that I don't have many friends. That means when I die I won't have enough people to carry my casket. I believe the minimum number of pallbearers is six. I've also got a very small family, so they won’t do. I can't do any exact math on the numbers of available people because by the time I die I won't be sure which of those people will still be around or if we all died together in some horrific accident. If I make a rough estimate I'd say roughly there would be 5 reliable people, friends and family included. As you can see I'm short one. So I am here on craigslist in search of a new friend. So why a female friend? I just thought I'd even it out a bit since most of the other pallbearers will be male. In all honestly I don’t want my funeral to be a sausage fest because then some of the other pallbearers might not show. With some female incentive it will ensure that they come through for me. Now I realize this is going to be very competitive, I mean who wouldn’t want to carry my casket? So below is more details on how to apply. Now in order to my friend you'll have to meet the following conditions and requirements: -Must make an appearance at my funeral to carry my casket -Must be able to lift 1/6th of the weight of my body inside a casket -Being my friend is only secondary to your role as my pallbearer, in the case that I start to actually like you as a friend, that role may be switched to a secondary priority. -This will be STRICTLY friendship. You must not fall in love with me. I don't need a coffin straddler at my funeral because it will make the casket that much heavier to carry. Besides it's not proper custom the spouse to be a pallbearer anyway -In the case that you die before I do I will be your pallbearer -In the case I changed my mind and decide to be cremated then you are hereby relieved of your duty as pallbearer The interview process may subject you to tests such as heavy lifting, ability to cry, and proper funeral dress. Training will be provided for all successful applicants in proper lifting technique, crying when you really don't care, and how to dress for a funeral. I thank all applicants for applying but only those that I am interested in will be contacted for an interview. In case you're wondering, I'm not dieing. Therefore until the day I do maybe we can be friends? So please would somebody commit to this task? I could die any day now…please hurry.
Location: Toronto
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 1010492513

Monday, June 4, 2012

Mondays Missives

  • "Side windows on the removable top are gone ( easier to shoot out of )..."

  • From a used car ad I just read- only in Texas.

  • I won't have a 50th wedding anniversary and a 40th would be very unlikely.

  • A woman will never look better than on her wedding day.

  • A couple of ways that could be taken I suppose.

  • When a person says to the effect,"That would never happen to me/us." when another person mentions the shock of how their marriage ended I always think- Oh my, I hope you have a good support system.

  • What if some celebrities, prominent individuals and Congressmen said,"We aren't talking about taking away your right to talk under the First Amendment, we just want common sense laws and regulations?"

  • Watched the remake of The Day The Earth stood still starring Keanu Reeves.

  • Terrible.

  • Learning about people who are financial successes normally interests me a lot but, I can't stand to see, hear or read anything by or about Jeff Bezos and I don't know why.

  • A hard core drinker will never eat many sweets but, someone who has beat the bottle? Dessert bars beware. This is so true that when a former drinker suddenly stops eating sweets- you can bet they've fallen off the wagon.