Thursday, March 29, 2012

Southern Fried Expressions

* It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.



* Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.



* If things get any better around here, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.



* Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!



* Cute as a box full of puppies.



* You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off



.* It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.



* The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.



* She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.



* There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.



* So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.



* I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.





* He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.



* So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.



* So dry I'm spitting cotton.



* Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.



* So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.



Cold as a frosted frog



* Cold as an ex-wife's heart



* Cold as a cast iron commode



* Cold as a banker's heart



* I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.



* Busy as a funeral home fan in July.



* If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.



* We were so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.



* He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.



* She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.



* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.



* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.



* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.



* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.



* Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.



* Scared as a cat at the dog pound.



* Pregnant before marriage: They ate supper before they said grace.



* She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.



* He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.



* So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.



* She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.


* He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.


* He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.


* So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.


* It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.


* He's rough as a corn cob.* He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.


* He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.


* It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.


* It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.


* He's as tight as the pages in a book.


* Tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.


* This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.


* Hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summertime.


* It’s hot enough to peel house paint.


* Running like a squirrel in a cage.


* Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.


* Dumb as a bag full of hammers.


* She's just naturally horizontal.


* Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.


* He couldn't find his ass with a flashlight in each hand.


* He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.


* If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre


* So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.


* It's so foggy, the birds are walkin'


* Tighter than bark on a tree


* As welcome as an outhouse breeze.


* Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.


* We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.


* As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.


* As confused as a cow on astroturf.


* It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.

2 comments:

The Donald said...

Yep, those are some mighty fine sayings.

I used to work for a very nice, very straight-laced banker that I think the world of, devout Church of Christ elder - he used to always crack me up when he'd refer to some sort of mishap or misadventure with "That'll knock your d*ck in the dirt."

BTW, my experience is that bankers are not nearly so cold hearted as ex-wives. Just sayin'.

The Donald said...

I think it was Noble Willingham in City Slickers who uttered the classic line: I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters.


As long as they weren't in the dirt.