Thursday, March 29, 2012

Southern Fried Expressions

* It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.

* Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

* If things get any better around here, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

* Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!

* Cute as a box full of puppies.

* You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off

.* It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.

* The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.

* She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

* There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.

* So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.

* I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.

* He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.

* So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

* So dry I'm spitting cotton.

* Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.

* So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Cold as a frosted frog

* Cold as an ex-wife's heart

* Cold as a cast iron commode

* Cold as a banker's heart

* I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.

* Busy as a funeral home fan in July.

* If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.

* We were so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.

* He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.

* She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.

* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

* Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.

* Scared as a cat at the dog pound.

* Pregnant before marriage: They ate supper before they said grace.

* She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

* He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.

* So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.

* She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.

* He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.

* He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.

* So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.

* It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.

* He's rough as a corn cob.* He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.

* He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.

* It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.

* It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.

* He's as tight as the pages in a book.

* Tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.

* This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.

* Hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summertime.

* It’s hot enough to peel house paint.

* Running like a squirrel in a cage.

* Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.

* Dumb as a bag full of hammers.

* She's just naturally horizontal.

* Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.

* He couldn't find his ass with a flashlight in each hand.

* He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

* If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre

* So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.

* It's so foggy, the birds are walkin'

* Tighter than bark on a tree

* As welcome as an outhouse breeze.

* Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.

* We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.

* As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.

* As confused as a cow on astroturf.

* It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.


The Donald said...

Yep, those are some mighty fine sayings.

I used to work for a very nice, very straight-laced banker that I think the world of, devout Church of Christ elder - he used to always crack me up when he'd refer to some sort of mishap or misadventure with "That'll knock your d*ck in the dirt."

BTW, my experience is that bankers are not nearly so cold hearted as ex-wives. Just sayin'.

The Donald said...

I think it was Noble Willingham in City Slickers who uttered the classic line: I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters.

As long as they weren't in the dirt.