A War Story

I've talked a little about this before, but the mom of one of the guys I was downrange with was absolutely beautiful. So yes, in one crass way or another we teased him constantly about it.

Yes, I'm sorry, but even making up stories about the time we spent with her on leave.

Moms, sisters, etc. are fair game- girlfriends and wives off limits.

When we would talk to him, it was always a hit to gratuitously say, Well, your mom.

It never got old.

A new guy who had never seen SGT Smith's mom was picking up on something, but couldn't quite figure out what was going on. So, Sergeant, your mom is kinda haw... Sergeant Smith's raised eyebrow told the kid he was too new and too low of rank to go there, so he stopped himself and said, She's a uh, a pretty lady huh?

Look little brother, let me tell you what's going on. No, she's not hawt- these guys are giving me a hard time and making fun of me- they're making a fool of me really, since they know she she's not. She weighs about 500 pounds, although no one can be sure. We took her to the feed mill once to use their commercial scale, but she broke it. She lives in the garage since she can't come in or out the front door. One time she had to go to the hospital and the paramedics had to call a tow truck out to transport her. When it's time for her bath, me and my sister wheel her out onto the driveway and hose her down and scrub her with brushes.

Hose her down!? Wheel her out?!

A welder in our town built a sort of a heavy duty cart that we use to move her around. Yeah, it's not that bad. We hooked hot water up to the garage and anyway- she likes it. She waves her stumps around and laughs. We think that means she likes it anyway, since we can't understand her when she talks.

Stumps? She can't speak?

Yeah, she doesn't have legs because of the diabetes. She just waves her stumps around like flippers- it's pretty cute really. Ever since the stroke it's hard to understand her. She never could speak all that well anyway since her gums bump together. Her teeth rotted out since she got too fat to brush them...

It was a bravura performance. I wish you could have been there.