It's 4 O clock I The Morning And I'm Getting Ready To Pass Out Instead

• of starting my day. Oh well- not the only thing I get backwards in my life.


• My patient died at midnight last night so I got off a little early.


• I cared for him for 15 shifts- straight. Unusual and interesting: he was coherent and fairly mobile when I first accepted him as a patient. After a few nights he would force himself to stay awake (or try anyway) and refuse assistance from day shift girls to get into bed. He was shaky on his feet, but still strong physically and sharp mentally.


• By midnight last night he had dropped I'm sure at least 20 pounds and was absolutlely unresponsive. I knew he was getting ready to give it up by a change in skin color and respirations. After about 2 minutes he just faded away and stopped.


• I was glad I was the one to tell his wife- and she said the same.


• They had been married 66 years.


• One evening I brought her a word search book, a chocolate bar and a couple of other things I knew she liked so she would know she would continue to be thought about after we parted ways and ease the pain caused by an earlier thoughtless nurse. She said,"Look here, Kevin brought me chocolate and a puzzle book. I think he is trying to seduce me!"


• She is 96 and will crack you up with the outrageous stuff she comes up with.


• I have the magnet we used to stop the defibrillator in the patients pacemaker. It's on my fridge holding a picture Zac drew for me.


• I'm surprised at how OK I am without someone to come home to when a case ends in the middle of the night.


• I'm not surprised at how bummed I can be that Zac isn't here every morning to pull the goodies out of my backpack I would have stashed for him earlier. He called my backpack my nurse purse.


• At a couple of the nursing homes I'm contracted they would save snacks for him when they knew I was coming in- especially chocolate health shakes and protein bars etc.


• I am exhausted- literally.


• Wonder how much sense this will make when I read it later?


• Good night world. I love you in spite of yourself