Monday's Missives

• There was a rock in the pocket of my oldest sons new cargo shorts.



• It is like volcanic pumice but, light brown with glittery crystals in it, very light (I bet it would float) and about the size of a peach pit. He and my daughter brought it to me to check out after he found it. I looked at, hefted it to get the feel for its weight and smelled it.



• Then I licked it for taste.



• Ewwwww DAD!
• I met a 72 year old man recently who told me,"The secret to success is vegetarianism. I've been a vegetarian for 50 years." He told me that about 30 minutes after seeing him eat the most epic, ginormous, delicious looking cheeseburger I've ever seen in my life.



• My neighbor is always spraying or spreading something on his lawn. When it heats up after a cool morning it can smell chemical-ie even.



• I lightly weed and feed mine in spring and sometimes late summer/fall, water it- that's it and it looks a lot better than his.
• I've yet to read anything comparing what the Taliban spends in Afghanistan and AQI spends in Iraq versus what the US spends as a percentage of what each has available.



• Well- probably a nonsense question, we all just print more bills.



• The commercial for the Jack In The Box Mini Sirloin Burgers is epic. "Herding cows the size of schnauzers" Ha, funny.


• I have never eaten at White Castle.



• I've used the word "epic" twice in this post.

Fridays Dispatch

• "This is a lovely king-size leather bed from Restoration Hardware which we paid just over $4,000 including shipping & tax... Our 'designer' says it's got to go and be replaced with a four-poster." craigslist ad



• I've been looking for cheap furniture for my new house.



• I don't even know who you are but, I hate your guts.



• Would like to learn how to build a rocking chair and I probably will soon (at least try).



• Bought 22 movies for 60 bucks at a pawnshop today. Somebody must have switched over to Blu Ray and sold 2- 300 to the shop (all sort of same type, excellent condition, some still have the guys name on the back.)



• Remember when if you did business with a pawnshop it was about a step up from conspiring in an organized crime deal? It's so widely understood they're a place for deals now, I routinely see stuff selling for well over what you could buy it new.



• Your shopping hint for the day: when doing business with pawnshops and want to buy jewelry- knock at least 30% off the price and make an offer.



• There was an old code on their stocks price tags no longer in use you could use to figure out how much a lot of shops had in the item. It went like this: MARYLOUISE- M was one, then all the way up to E as zero with X as a decimal point. AEXEE would mean they had 20 dollars in the item. (20.00)



• It's been 15+ years since I've thought about that but, it was something like that and back in the day I could read them faster than the workers. To get the deal you had to let them make at least about 15%.



• I've never pawned anything in my life though.



• I think I've mowed my lawn 4 times already this year and I've yet to put out fertilizer.



• There's a battery powered riding mower out now.



• I'm not even sure how I ended up with the pic of the woman above but, isn't she pretty and intriguing?


• I think maybe she's the ultra rich, non crazy, no baggage having, island, giant ranch, giant yacht and and Learjet owning, my kids adoring, Sunday School teaching, Kama Sutra devotee-ing, sex crazed woman who sent me an email telling me of her infatuation with me and requesting a meeting.


• If it is- write me back honey, my computer crashed and I lost your information.

More Mondays Missives

• Just finished mowing the yard the second time this year! Good grief.


• I did it in my underwear- there's one I can cross off my list.


• It wasn't that big of a deal really I was on a lawn tractor and wearing a shirt- it wasn't like I was wearing whitey tighties a smile and nothing else while pushing an antique reel mower.


• Don't know why I did that- seemed like a good idea at the time. I think my inner child is a 12 year old thug who plays too many video games, watches Jackass and dares me me to do dumb things.


• He may also sniff glue.


• The swallows have won the right to raise their young on my porch again by wearing me down and having their nest completed before I can tear it down. Need to put a web cam up there.


• If you can't beat 'em...


• Would like to band the young and see if they come back.

Wednesdays Digressions

• I love milk. I think there are few simpler things a person could do improve their health easier than drinking a couple of glasses of skim milk a day. This is especially true for women. People say, "Ugh, how can you drink skim milk- it's like milk that's been watered down." When you get accustomed to skim whole is like drinking milk that has grease added to it. It sticks to your teeth and makes you feel bad. When you make the switch you can't understand how anyone would ever drink whole milk.


• I put ice in my milk sometimes- tasty.


• My neighbors are a family of five and the mom has said she spent over 400.00 one month on milk. How is that possible?


• For a fairly healthy breakfast that will really keep you going, eat an apple and/or a banana, a cup of oatmeal and drink a glass of Carnation breakfast drink or Ovaltine in skim milk and then a large glass of ice water. If a Mountain Dew and two sausage biscuits is more your normal day starter you simply won't believe how good it will make you feel.


• http://www.gillesvidal.com/blogpano/cockpit1.htm for a 360 degree tour of an Airbus A 380.


• My lawn tractor will do 5.5 miles per hour on the road by GPS. Yeah, I'm one of those types.


• The dog worships me. I was outside earlier trying to mow ahead of the rain and he followed me every lap and if I stopped to pick up or move something he ran up to be petted and hug me that's what it seems like anyway, he pushes his side against my leg and curls around burying his face between my legs and I push back with my hand against his head and rub behind his ear. No matter how many times I have to get up with the baby at night he's right there. If people call him and I'm around he acts like he didn't hear a thing and sits right beside me. You could have done a lot better there, my loyal and faithful companion.

Fridays Dispatch

• Had an odd little flashback this morning due to flies getting stirred up by the rain and trying to get in from the cool-ish weather, I've been mortally murdering at least three a day that sneak past security and get into the house and it reminded of an anecdote that may show how different westerners and middle easterners think- not just differences in opinion but, how we totally process information differently. A westerner (say an American) sees poor middle easterners (say Iraqi) with flies swarming them at mealtime, children with minor sores becoming infected due to fly activity and loss of their livestock due to same. A westerner might offer to provide swatters, fly strips and other options including education like "Hey man, burn or bury your garbage." The middle easterner would look at you bemused and say to the effect,"The flies and garbage have always been around, they are everywhere. Yeah, we know they get in the children's eyes and torture our animals but, what can I do?" and shrug their shoulders. These facts would make a westerner go crazy enough do something but, I think a middle easterner would be too fatalistic to believe a difference could ever be made.
  

• Some are making a big deal out of a DWI Gov. Palins husband was charged with when he was in his early twenties. They weren't even married at the time. It was twenty years ago. Maybe he wasn't even intoxicated. If he had buried a claw hammer in someones head and Palin was a candidate liberals wanted they would say,"They weren't even married at the time. It was twenty years ago. Maybe he wasn't even guilty." You know I'm right.

• Newt Gingrich was on the Daily Show last night. He combines in equal measures, intelligence, common sense, compassion,humor and ethics more than any other political figure I'm familiar with.
  

• "Andy and Wayne are entrusted with the simple task of guarding Canfield University's mascot "Lucky" until the big game against rival school Farnan University."- Synopses of new show on hulu.com called Campus Cops originally aired in 1995. The following are user generated reviews. 1) "I read the reviews and thought "gosh, I want to see what these people are talking about, can something really be this bad?" seriously, DON'T WATCH THIS, it's not like "wow, this is so bad it's funny how bad it is!" it passes that kind of bad and dives straight into "I might hurt myself if I watch any more of this" "Ugh. 2) if you actually like this show... you have no soul" 3) "This is a crime, and I can't understand why this is not illegal. The most horrible thing I have ever seen." I started watching it anyway, I lasted about 45 seconds, the above reviews are kind hearted passes.


• My yard looks pretty awesome since it rained. Two of my neighbors have said the appearance of my lawn inspired them to make theirs look better- wow, I'm an inspiration.


• At the DNC a bunch of retired generals were trotted out to endorse Obama, one was introduced as General Fig Newton, huh? Yep, and here's his bio:


• "GENERAL LLOYD W. "FIG" NEWTON
  Retired Aug. 1, 2000. Gen. Lloyd W. "Fig" Newton is commander of Air Education and Training Command, headquartered at Randolph Air Force Base, Texas. As commander, he is responsible for the recruiting, training and education of Air Force personnel. His command includes Air Force Recruiting Service, two numbered air forces and Air University. Air Education and Training Command consists of 13 bases, more than 43,000 active duty members and 14,000 civilians. "
• Another flashback: I went to a volunteer fire department near where I lived once to get an application to see if I could help out. There was a guy a guy at the station who gave me a kind of smug look and said,"Here's an application." I went ahead and started filling it out and during the course of this talked to that guy and another who came in a little later and both kind of warmed to me. One said," Since you are here, ______ is on his way we can interview you." The interview consisted of the three of them sitting in a semi circle around me staring me down, asking What would YOU DO? questions like, "There's a baby in a burning house, Billy Bob is down and running out of oxygen- he calls for help..." I guess I did well, as there was a lot of talk from them afterwards like,"You are going to fit in around here just fine if we can keep you away from _____." And then, " _________ can have old _______ and ______ anytime, I think we can trust this guy." while they slapped me on the back. I really felt like I had walked into a minefield and was about to get in the middle of something really messed up. Later, they called and left messages on my house and cell phones, called references I'd listed looking for me, wrote me a letter trying to get me to come back, it was pretty weird. Years later I mentioned this little tale to someone and they said,"I'd say you were about to get in the middle of something. Haven't you heard the story on those guys? They were the ones who argued over who was going to drive the trucks, who was going to spray the fires, who was in charge and a bunch of other craziness, then they finally had some big blow up and some left, one even bought his own fire truck and tried to start up his own fire department!"

For once, my womans intuition might have payed off.