Thursday, April 6, 2017

20 Reasons Sharks Are Better Than Cats

1. There is no LOL Sharks meme.
2. Cats, the musical.
3. If you throw a cat in the ocean, which we do not explicitly advocate, a shark will eat it (if it is around and notices).
4. Every Bond villain worth his salt has a shark-filled aquarium (sure they have a cat too but it doesn’t intimidate anyone).
5. People sometimes back over cats in their cars while in a rush to get to work. The world’s largest fish is the whale shark and you couldn’t back over it unless you had a decent-sized yacht.
6. Early explorers braved falling off the edge of the world, malaria, and the unholy trifecta of rum, sodomy and the lash, but were deathly afraid of sharks.
7. Cats are creepy. People who claim cats aren’t creepy are creepy.
8. No cat movie has inspired a line as memorable as ‘We’re gonna need a bigger boat’.
9. The guy with an eye patch hustling you out of last week’s paycheck is a ‘pool shark‘, for which there is no feline equivalent. If you’re in tough financial straits, you visit a ‘loan shark’ so you don’t have to eat cat food.
10. A cat couldn’t eat Samuel L. Jackson (unless it was his pet and he was left dead in a locked apartment for some time… which is highly unlikely given that he’s a celebrity. We digress…).
11. Sharks taste good in a soup or sandwich; cats require too much sauce.
12. A cat will annoy you by clawing up furniture. A shark will spare you years of such petty annoyances with a fatal mauling.
13. Most sharks can live 30 years or more. Nobody has a 30-year old cat that hasn’t been taxidermied or the subject of some kind of lab mutation.
14. No tabby has ever sent a beach full of bikini-clad beauties sprinting for the shore.
15. The worst a cat could have done to Ahab is give him fleas.
16. Jobshark is a website for people with career ambition, so named because sharks move constantly. Cats sit by the windowsill for 7 hours at a time.
17. Without the phrase “jumped the shark“, it would be difficult to explain this season of Entourage.
18. Dolphins are thought to be the most intelligent creatures of the deep, but sharks eat dolphins. Who’s the genius now lunch boy?
19. No one has ever purchased a baby shark because it was so adorable in the pet store only to regret the decision later on in life when it became a hissing fatbody whose constant shedding ruins your dark clothes.
20. Even if we had a tale about some drunk offing Cuddles, the Cat Fanciers’ magazine centerfold, we would not have included it in the title of our book, “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery”


RPM said...

1. There is no LOL Sharks meme.

Left Shark begs to differ.

Anonymous said...

Rival sons-Jordan ( not a female's name. Really good song.