Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Graduation Confabulation

  • This past weekend (today is 06/01/2016) I went to a friend's daughter's high school graduation ceremony.
  • It was a bit of a whippin' but on balance- real nice.
  • Although the music played was almost all bro-douche country, the valedictorian made reference to Compton and ended his speech with something like, Peace out-home skillet!
  • There was a young lady there fanning herself at 100 mph while chewing gum at 200 mph and she did it non stop. It was mesmerising and exhausting to see.
  • There is a nice pond near the school. I wanted to go fishing in it. I would have gone skinny dipping in it were I a kid and going to school there. No, I am not kidding- that is a natural fact which would have probably gotten me expelled.
  • To save seats beside us for our late arriving friends we jacked a couple of, Reserved For _________ placards from the people in front of us who already had all their people present.
  • As we turned to see the processional I smelled a rusty fart. The lug in front of me looked like a likely candidate so I took a step back from him in case he decided to cut loose again. My suspicions were were confirmed when I noticed his poor wife sniffing the air. She glanced down to his butt then looked back up at his face while glaring at him and muttering curse words under her breath and shaking her head. She was furious. Honestly, she looked like she might physically strangle him.
  • When asked by my date what he was doing my creep friend said as he looked down at some lady's legs, Oh you know me- just enjoying the view!
  • The superintindent of the district of the school had in another life been principal of my children's elementary. It is a small world.
  • To determine whether to use priniciple or principal in a sentence don't worry about priniciple. Just remember: principal of a school is spelled that way because he is a prince of a pal to the students.
  • Man, it was hot and humid. I didn't check but it had to be 400 degrees with 10,000% humidity out there.
  • At the after party there were Mexicans, half black and Mexicans, Gayz and lesbians and people ranging in age from the high 70s down to 2 months so I guess we were a pretty inclusive bunch.
  • So, a 9 year old kid walks into the kitchen and seeing a stack of trays of Jell-O shots says, Momma I want one of those. To which mom said, Oh, baby- you can't have one of those- they're for the grown ups. But, I had one before we left for the graduation! he replied. His aunt who overheard the exchange said as she face palmed hard, Oh. My. Gawd. No wonder he crawled up into my lap and went to sleep during the ceremony!
  • Funniest thing though- he was not rushed to a hospital, there will be no lawsuit, he is still alive and as far as I know he has not progressed to crack and is not out on Rosedale selling his body behind a dumpster for rocks. 
  • We played volleyball, washers and horseshoes. The horseshoe pit was separated from the washer pit by a 40 ft. gooseneck trailer- for safety. We were all about the safety.
  • Horsheoes became popular in the US during the Revolutionary War. They used mule shoes though.
  • An old friend was raised on a ranch and told of using actual horseshoes to play horseshoes although the rules (which I don't recall) were changed pretty dramatically. My children's grandad has mentioned the same thing from the days of his youth.
  • During my tour of duty in Germany I learned to be a pretty mean horshoe player- almost everybody in my platoon played. We would have to stand back an extra ten feet and/or literally blindfold ourselves to make it a challenge. We would play for hours on end though when not on patrol so I guess it was not a shocker we got good.
  • 60 pounds- the amount of crafish which were boiled at the party after the graduation.
  • 1- the number of crawdads left alive in the kiddie pool after the boil. I took him to a beaver pond I know and set him free after we ate all his friends.
  • He and I are bros now- I know he will never forget me.

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