Monday, January 18, 2016

So, I'm Driving Home

from a hard day at work in the coal mine and as I look over from the middle lane I see a new Porsche Carrerra in the lane to my right. It is black, has custom wheels and is gorgeous.  I glance back and forth several times taking it all in and as I am shamelessly coveting it, a ridiculously pretty blonde lady behind the wheel of the Porsche glances over and smiling throws me a quick wave. Bashfully and feeling totally busted, I  awkwardly smile back and half heartedly wave and then I get back to driving and minding my own business.

A mile or two down the road as I am driving along obliviously- in my own little world my nose starts to itch. I rub it once making it worse. I rub it again and then again from side to side and then yes- a little on the inside corner but I am not picking my nose.  Incidentally, I become aware of something on my thumb which makes me think, Holy smokes- is it a booger? Looking at my thumb I see the series of long fine cuts as you see above and having no recall of cutting my self I glance down from the road and peel it open and inspect the cuts. The main one is quite deep but not painful and I roll the skin back with my index finger as I glance up and down from the road to my weird thumb injury curious as to how and when this could have happened.

I am not rolling a booger between my fingers.

Suddenly, I become aware of a car to my left and I glance over to see the blonde Porsche Carrerra hotness  lady staring at me with her mouth hanging open. It takes a second to process but I realize- she thinks she just totally busted me digging for green gold and then rolling it between my fingers and then inspecting it like a mental case. I start frantically shaking my head and saying No, Noooooo, I'm not picking my my nose! I was just... I was just...

 As plain as day she mouths, Thats so gross! and floors it and leaves me behind- forever.

And that is how I missed the opportunity to be kept by a rich lady lawyer and have beautiful babies together that I would be stay home dad for on our amazing yacht while she raked in millions from evil corporations- all because I couldn't keep my stupid fat fingers out of my stupid fat nose.

Do you have any stories involving lost loves and nose picking?


RPM said...

A similar scenario from a few years ago. I'm reordering stock on the canned food aisle when this woman who easily weighs 300lbs and is apparently allergic to deodorant soap and water walks past then turns the corner and heads down another aisle. I stand there trying not to dry heave when two very hot 20 something girls turn the corner from the other direction. They get that look as the odor hits them square in the face. Both look right at me, "Oh my God!" They scurry down the aisle in search of fresh air as I'm pleading "It's not me!"

el chupacabra said...

Mike- Ha! I have a similar fart story that I'll relate next time.

The Donald said...

Yeah, well, fortunate you weren't trying to put the straw back into the Super Big Gulp you were cradling between your legs... ;-D

el chupacabra said...

Hey Don- Ha, I nearly choked on my chicken sandwich with that image!