Crackhead Comment

Today an epidemiologist brought a contact in for testing. She is a crackhead prostitute ( the contact I mean- not the epidemiologist). The epi. said, Will you test her and do a symptoms check on her? Sure I said anything for you. That is why you are so awesome! she replied. She then introduced me by my first name and title to the patient.

That is where things got weird.

Me: She said your name is _________________ right? Is that what you prefer?
Crackhead: I can be anything you want me to be Kev.
Me: OK then.
She: Are you any good at this?
Me: Yeah, probably one of the best here but Ill take a look and if I can't do it- I'll go get the best.
She: I trust you Kev. I need you know before we do this; I have Hep C.
Me OK. Thanks for telling me. Knowing she would probably have super hard to palpate veins I popped the tip of one glove finger off.
She: Hey now! That sounds like fun! Was her response to the sound of the glove tip popping off. Oh that is good. That is soooo good! You are good! She said as the needle entered her vein.
She: K I'm leaving. Be thinking about me. Pray for me. She said after I finished drawing her blood.
Me: I will. Take care of yourself.

Interesting, not only did she lay it out all out with her very first words and try to get me to think of her in that way- she imposed some familiarity by abbreviating my name. That is something she could have guessed would please my ears and that there would be sweet connotations to it for me.

That is pretty smart.

My first thought as she dropped the dumb, overt sex hints while also telling me she had Hep C was- I assure you lady- the only way I would get any kind of blood and body fluid precaution disease from you is a dirty needle stick.

My first thought when she said, Be thinking about me. was, Yeah that is about all Im gonna do for the rest of the day- is go around thinking about you.

I have prayed for her though.

Monday's Missives

• I have no idea- literally none who RG3 is and only this morning (08/16/2016) while listening to THE TICKET became pretty sure he is a quarterback.
• Snoop Dogg's, Nuthin But a G Thang is playing in a loop in my brain.
• People will still be watching the Pirates of the Caribean movies 50-100 years from now.
• "So just chill 'til da next episode..."
• I told you that song was stuck in my head.
• Hezbollah has weaponized drones.
• Something that sounds urban legendesque but an old friend will swear is true: After their vehicle was disabled during an ambush in a mostly open area in Iraq- he took cover under the vehicle to return fire as everybody else had the corners of the truck away from  the enemy fire taken. When he and the other 2 guys under the truck started shooting it rang his bell severely- as one might expect. He could not take it- he said, Every time a weapon discharged it was like getting hit in the head with a hammer. So I said F_ _ _ _ this and took off running and shooting and made my way to a small berm 30 to 40 meters away and started engaging the enemy who were behind a larger berm about 100- to 150 meters away. Consequently, he was a awarded a Bronze Star with a V Device (valorous achievement). My friends platoon leader (who was in the truck behind my friends)  came to him and told him what he was getting and why. My buddy tried to explain what happened to the lieutenant but the lieutenant did not want to hear it- as in he literally said, I don't want to hear it specialist.  My friend went on to explain, After everything settled down and we had a cantonment area for the battalion set up, they had an awards ceremony for me to get my Bronze Star and other guys to get -Purple Hearts! I. Felt .Like. A. Total. Jackass. 
• Still probably my favorite album. Can you dig it?

As I have Mentioned Before I Work With Multiple People For Whom English Is Not Their First Language. Among These People, One Is The Leg Breaker Assigned To Collecting Monthly Coffee Money. What Follows Is Our Correspondence The Last Time I Was In Arears

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Did you mean: Dear mrs I am writing this to tell you I do not have my coffee money right now but will soo. You see I am a poor farmer from a small ranch in Michoacan. My cow she doesn't give milk anymore. My children are always hungry and my wife beats me. I will appreciate your understanding my predicament.

Queridos señora ____________ os escribo esto para decirte que no tengo mi dinero de café en este momento, pero lo haré pronto. Ya ve usted que soy un pobre campesino de un pequeño rancho en Michoacán. Mi vaca que no da leche más. Mis hijos siempre están hambrientos y mi esposa me late. Apreciaré su entender mi situación.


Below is the translation.

Dear Mrs. ____________ I am writing this to tell you I do not have my coffee money right now but will soon. You see, I am a poor farmer from a small ranch in Michoacan. My cow she doesn't give milk anymore. My children are always hungry and my wife beats me. I will appreciate your understanding my predicament.

Even though the first day of fall is nearly a month away and it is 90 degrees as write I this; there is a chill in the breeze.

The Story Of A Hairy Cookie Or As My Work Buddy Said: Gag. Me. With. A. Spoon.

• This is one of a co-workers famous TGIF cookies.
• In this case the T stands for terrible.  G stands for, gag. The I for ignominious. The F for foul. And finally the R is for repulsive.
• Oh, there is no R? Oh, I'm sorry. Imagine my embarrassment. Well, work with me and imagine the saying is, TGIF-R because I really need to work, repulsive in there somehow.
• I took a bite then simultaneously feeling the hair on my tongue and lip- spit it out. It all then hung together as you see here.
• The room started spinning and I felt a cold sweat. My stomach began churning and felt like it was on fire.
• I mean, God- it isn't even your color hair!
• Why not wear a hair net or at least a bandana? Weren't you afraid you would get cookies in the hair?!
• I have heard of hair pie before but hair- cookie?! That doesn't even have a ring to it.
• 100,000- the average number of hairs on a human head. 99,999 the number on the head of my co-worker.
• The load carrying capacity of a strand of human hair is 100 grams according to the Google. Yep, that would be about right.
• Me: Garcon! Waiter: Yes sir, may I help you? Me: I'll say! There is a cookie in my hair!
• The average person loses 100 hairs a day; at least we know where one of hers ended up.
• I've got more- but you get the idea.

Monday's Missives

• Yesterday, GF picked my children up from daycare. It is OK- but there is a sentence I never thought I would have to say (well except for another time I think I mentioned it here- but you know what I mean).
• Life happens is what I am sayin'.
• A recent visitor to the clinic took it a bit personal when I questioned who he was and why he was there and then denied him access to the Inner Sanctum. He should grow some thicker skin, as that was a very good example of something in life to not take personally and be butt-hurt by.
• A couple of days ago I accidentally bought organic oranges at Albertson's. The middles are all rotten.
• A guy in traffic this morning (06/15/2016) was driving a turdbomb of a Toyota that had ARCHIBALD in bold stick-on letters on the side. I presume it is the name of the car.
• Although I don't really see color or fat verses skinny or discrimate based on religion etc. but when it comes to women if you force me to make distinctions I like: black skinned South Asians (i.e. Bengalis), medium toned other Asians, tanned whites and really white skinned hispanics.
• Don't ask me why- I didn't make me- I just report the facts here.
• For a bonus: a slightly chubby, really cute Asian would also attract me out of bounds to what the same lady would if she were skinnier (although I am not a chubby chaser).
• Some time ago ex wife mentioned something about a hard or bad day and/or some frustration etc. she was enduring and then she vented a bit. Coincidentally on the same day, GF was sick so I took her some medicine and babied her a bit. The next morning intending to check up on GF I accidentally emailed ex wife and said, "Hey girl, are you better?" To which ex wife responded, "Yes! Thanks for asking. It was just a really bad day! Thanks for listening to me vent."
• Life happens is what I'm sayin'.

Monday's Missives

• This past weekend (today is 02/01/2016) we spent the weekend in Abilene. As we were driving we saw that the area we intended to camp in had a wildfire sweeping through it. We stayed in a hotel. Broke my heart.
• We explored the park the next day though. My kids put out a couple of hot spots with water from a nearby creek.
• I peed on one hot spot as the kids ran ahead of me.
• We saw a lot of owl pellets.
• Abilene State Park was built by Company 1823 of the CCC.
• We went to Buffalo Gap. The cat that lives in the visitor's center for the historic village is a black bob tailed beast named Jack. He is cool.
• Lunch on Sunday was at Mary's in Strawn. They call their chicken fried steak, World Famous! I call it adequate. One I ate there was kind of nasty. The other two were adequate so I guess the two out of three average rule applies. Their fries are really good though. Zac had the hugest bowl of chili I have ever seen in my life. Honestly- it was ridiculously big. Did they mean for an 8 year old boy to eat it or the entire table to soak in it?!
• There used to be a bar on Jacksboro Hwy called Mary's Mistake.
• Here is probably my favorite (at least at the moment) Smashing Pumpkin's song.
• The last email I received: "Morning!
  I have a scary movie for us from the pulga!"
• Don't ask me.
• I guess I'll figure it out tonight.
• Women I have known are usually very poor amateur checkers players but always seem to take to chess well and learn rapidly.
• I'll keep my sarcasm to myself on the preceding observation.