Thursday, April 26, 2012

Thursday's Thoughts

  • One thing I liked about being in Iraq: No matter how much you drank during the summer you could at best be only marginally hydrated, so when you stopped and cut the top off a water bottle and dumped some ice in there and had a simple glass of ice water it was like the best glass of ice water you ever had back home in your whole life- ever. Every. Single. Time. You could feel that water trinkle all the way down your throat to your stomach and for those very few seconds, that one little moment in time- you felt a little less terrible.

  • If you leave the square (literally) in Decatur on West Main street at 88 mph in a 1988 Camaro you'll land by Barry's office and a very impressive shower of sparks will fly up from the undercarriage of the car as it bottoms out on the pavement and the girls riding in the car with you will simultaneously squeal, scream and laugh hysterically.

  • Or, so I've heard.

  • The reminder that caused mention of that night was kind of cute and funny- I saw one of those girls this afternoon. Predictably, she was driving a minivan.

  • I'm reading Enemy At the Gates. It is the one they based the 2001 Jude Law movie on. The odd thing is the book was published in 1973. It's really good- it has shattered some illusions for me though. It appears the battle for Stalingrad wasn't quite the lovefest-picnic I'd always pictured. I know the author is using words to convey the insanity of that battle, but there nearly aren't words.

  • In a time when life was cheap- death came wholesale at Stalingrad.

  • I just came up with that one. That was pretty good. Use it if you want.

  • The execution of Willie Francis- what an awful story. He was the first person to survive an attempt at being killed by the state in an electric chair. As the current hit him the first time he said,"Take it off. I can't breathe. I'm n-not dying!" Then, somehow the state had the horribleness to actually killify him in the same chair 10 days later.

A Brush With Fame

I went to church with Waylon Jennings aunt.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Oh Look,

here's a picture of a skeleton riding a bicycle while wearing a top hat.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Friday's Dispatch

  • Man, there is nothing in this world like shooting a MK19.

  • Weird dream: I'm hunting with a nursing friend and old Army buddy. We walk by a Rangers game in progress. Pudge Rodriguez is the catcher and Nolan Ryan the first base coach. My friend says, Don't shoot around here- we don't want to get busted for shooting a Yu Darvish out of season! I look to my left it's the Rangers ball game. I look to my right, it's an African plain. We see a herd of warthogs, my friend unleashes on them with an M16 and misses. I look to our right and see a very beautiful looking animal. My friend says, It's a Bijouti antelope. It looks like a brightly colored and larger American bison. I shoot it twice in the head and once on the shoulder as it turns to run. We chase it and catch up to it at the drive through of a McDonalds. It had turned into a hugely fat white woman. I look back, it's the African plain. I look ahead and it's Decatur TX. As she leans against the call box she says while struggling for breath, Please let me live. I have three children. The wounds where I shot her earlier are only bruises on her forehead and cheek. Without hesitation I throw my rifle up to my shoulder and shoot here twice in the face.

  • Possum, squirrel, armadillo, raccoon, 5+ species of snake, bison, antelope, deer, elk, moose, quail, dove, duck, goat- different types of animals my best friend could remember off the top of his head eating through the years. He was very sure there were many more.

  • In the waiting room at my clinic the anger that develops in a female over a long wait is in direct proportion to how hot she is.

  • Nepalis and Bhutanese people are gaining ground and climbing further up my list of favorite Un-Americans. They are across the board, decent, respectful, hard working and good humored people.

  • I have fired a LAW rocket launcher from the hip.

  • Because I'm awesome that way.

  • Another thought on that subject: those things cost over a 1000 bucks a piece and I. Simply. Have. No. Idea. How. Many. Of. Them. I've. Fired.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

A Basket Case

Thursday's Thoughts

  • I had the lamest dream in the history of lame dreams last night and it seemed to last for hours- I was shaving my head. That's it- just shaving my head.

  • The clinic I work at does screenings at homeless shelters. The main thing that strikes me every time? There, but for the grace of God...

  • There's a few that might benefit from a good shaking and a stern voice saying, Get a job!, but by and large they've mostly been let down by genetics, family, society and Lady Luck.

  • There's a movie out that looks like the premise is a conspiracy surrounding Shakespere not writing any of his plays. Yawn- that is old news and so wrong.

  • Krispy Kremes sound really good right now.

  • An old work friends sister won a million dollar + lottery.

  • If I had a million dollars

  • Recently on the way to work a patient crossed my mind. I had her chest X-Ray CD on my desk and pondered whether I should send it to her or wait and hand it to in person. When I walked in the office- she was there. We visited for a while and she mentioned going to Galveston for Dicken's Christmas- a day after I spoke at length about going there with somebody else. She wasn't sure about dressing Victorian for the outing, but I think I convinced her to do so. This may be the year regardless of circumstances I go and dress the part.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

He Has A Giant Bag

of Lucky Charms marshmallows- you lose.

Wednesday's Digressions

  • After I left Friday one of the girls I work with invaded my office and decorated it with fishing and nautically themed stuff. Money can't buy that.

  • Actually, I had a term to describe my office decorative style: Jail Cell Noir.

  • A funny thing though- I was feeling seriously unloved over the weekend, but that was before I walked in the door Monday morning.

  • Last week in one day of glancing over at other drivers during my commute I saw: 1) a woman reaching over her head from the left over to the right side of her face and use her pinkie finger to scoop boogers out of her nose. 2) a man hold his left hand to the left side of his nose to shield the picking activity he was engaged in with his right index finger from the driver of the car. 3) and last, but certainly not least another guy trying to fling a booger off the fingers of his right hand. He looked like he was having a seizure that was confined to that hand.

  • Recently Zac told me about a teacher that visited his class. I said, Did you know daddy and her husband were in the war together? No, did you keep an eye on him and keep him out of trouble?

  • Saturday I went back to Taco Cabana. I thought with a fresh start we could begin our love affair again, that is until the corporate employee came to my table and started harassing me about a survey regarding demographics and new store locations. When I waved her off she stood over my shoulder (making me nervous- people don't go to restaurants to feel nervous) and updated her little notebook. Then she pestered a guy near me who didn't have the guts to chase her off.

  • Taco Cabana and I have officially broken up- I am a free man.

  • Clutch The Regulator

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Oh Look

here's a picture of a dog humping a duck

Monday, April 16, 2012

Monday's Missives

    Cute- except for one fatal flaw, that is not a US Army tank. So, Ha Ha.

  • The last two women I've been associated with were each part of a set of twins.

  • Did that make sense? Let me try again. They were each an unrelated twin. Oh well- you get what I mean. It's nothing creepy- not a fetish or whatever, it's a total coincidence.

  • I know- Yeah, right Kevin.

  • One of my best friends left his house after an argument with his wife. She chased him in her car. His truck slammed into a tree killing him instantly. Due to the remote nature of the location she had to stay with his body for over 2 hours while the paramedics wandered the countryside lost. Other friends of his hated and blamed her for his death. I still feel profoundly sorry for her loss and how horrible that day must have been for her.

  • My ears ring constantly.

  • A favorite song by a favorite group: Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth by The Dandy Warhols.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Lao Tzu

"Heaven and earth are not humane, and regard the people as straw dogs."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A War Story

One of our duties in Iraq entailed corralling third country national truck drivers- keeping them accounted for and not a danger to themselves or others. One thing people- even soldiers present did not understand was why we would not allow any type of knife (even small kitchen ones), no amount of alcohol and absolutely no pr0n (which when found would invariably be of the gay variety). Really- why would care if they watched gay pr0n in the sleepers of their trucks? What about a little drinky drinky at the end of a long, dangerous day? They prepared their own meals often- they couldn't even have a small kitchen knife?

Why were you so hard on these fellas who took the same risks you did- while unarmed?

Well, add the aforementioned activities together and that's where the problem comes in- things could get a little stabby in the ole truck stop.

Hey, sergeant you need to come out onto the lot- some of the drivers are in an uproar. What's going on? I don't know. I think a couple of them were queering off.

Roger, I'll be there in a minute. With a sigh I headed out, half expecting to referee a minor lovers quarrel.

When I turned down the line of trucks I was told to watch for I knew something was up- there were probably 20-30 drivers in a half circle around the cab of a truck. I could see they were absolutely seething from 50 meters away.

No one wanted to admit to being able to speak English to help defuse the situation when asked if anybody knew English- a bad sign they didn't want to be guilty by association. Normally, somebody would step up whose English was less terrible than my Arabic and try to help. This time though, everyone stood around in Absolute. Furious. Silent. Rage while flexing their fingers against the stones in their hands.

The objects of the fury did not want to come out of the cab and in fact forced me to climb up and show my face and beat on the window with my pistol. When the door opened the smell of sex was overwhelming. The interior of the cab must have been 90 degrees- musty buttseks. There was gay pr0n lying everywhere. As my head started spinning I ordered the two lovers out of the cab.

They were terrified.

They maintained an unusual distance for Middle Easterners from each other and me. Both of their faces were bright red. One would stare at me in wide eyed terror, the other's eyes alternated between the ground and pleading for mercy from me.

I ran the weaker hangers on at the edge of the crowd off and back to their trucks and respectfully indicated to the older ringleaders to back up and thanked them when they took a few steps back.

Jedi crowd control trick for Middle Eastern third country national truck drivers- feel free to use it anytime- just credit me.

You making freaky freaky and drinking beer? while pantomiming a drinking and sex action complete with spanking motions on my imaginary sex partners behind. The crowd roared in laughter. No making freaky freaky! No drinky drinky. Me no Ali Babba, mister! One said while his breath wafting across me smelled like the exhaust to a liquor powered sex machine.

We then retrieved some of the pr0n from the cab and as I recall empty alcohol containers of some type, but no booze. They hung their heads low and their faces looked in danger of bursting into flames from blushing when the contraband was held up to their faces.

I berated them for a while to beat them down- hoping it would be sufficient to avoid a real beating from the crowd when I left.

I ordered the driver of the shaggin wagon back into his truck and told the other to go to his. No, mister, mister pleaaaase he begged, his eyes rolling in fear while glancing around at the crowd. He then pantomimed sleeping sitting up in the cab of the love truck while his boyfriend slept in the sleeper. Guessing that yeah, sleeping in the same truck might still cause some upset among the other drivers, but if they were in danger, it might also prevent things from getting stabby if they could watch each others back through the night- I let them stay together.

When I turned them loose, they fairly flew up into the cab and had the door locked before their rear ends touched the seat.

I turned to the crowd, smiled and shook my head. Everybody laughed real big and turned back to their trucks for the night.

The End

Monday, April 9, 2012

Easter Extra Vaganza!

  • Easter with my family usually devolves at some point into an impromptu ink show with people showing off tattoos new and old.

  • There's even an unusually high number of fake tattoos for the kids in the plastic eggs.

  • My nephew in law is a truck driver and has restored a number of trucks and put them on the road. He showed me a picture of the latest truck he has been working on and pointed out the new sleeper. Knowing he had neither a shop nor equipment one would assume would be needed to place a double wide sleeper on a truck frame I asked, How did you get it on there? Uh, I used cargo straps and a winch and raised it up in a big oak tree behind the house and just backed the truck under it. was his sheepish reply.

  • I'm not saying we're white trash.

  • We're white trash.

  • My nephew has always wanted to be in the Army. Yesterday he made a paper Medal Of Honor for himself. I told him a little about the real medal and asked, How many men do you think have been awarded the Medal Of Honor? I don't know, not very many- only about half or so. came the answer only a 9 year old can give.

  • I found out yesterday my sister uses garlic from the same plants my mom did to make garlic toast.

  • My niece made sausage balls. Her boyfriend had me pronouncing it bawlz for the rest of the day.

  • Spellcheck hi lites "bawlz".

  • When somebody brings something to a get together and no one eats it I feel sorry for the person and will get a big serving of whatever it is and then dump it when no one is looking.

  • I noticed the 2X6 I used to mount the bird house I made for Boy Scouts is still up on the garage though the bird house itself is long gone.

Monday's Missives

    First world dog problem

  • Hey man, let me call you back in a minute. I've got something I HAVE to tell you.- the last text I received.

  • From the related phone call: "Hey do you remember ______ Solis? No," I replied. "Well, I friended him on Facebook as soon as I saw his name ( they were raised in the same small West Texas town). Then, I asked, "Do you remember Kevin, he picked you up- years ago west of Springtown when your car broke down and gave you a ride to town?" He said, "Of course I do. I was 200 miles from home and my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and he gave me a ride. I think about him often and wish him well and hope he's OK.

  • Isn't that nice?

  • I really, really like Gary Jule's song Mad World. What a great song.

  • I know I've put the preceding up before so if you'd prefer: Radiohead Lotus Flower- if you don't like this one though, I'm afraid you can't be my special friend anymore

Friday, April 6, 2012

My Dad

second from left. Picture could have been taken close to end of World War II or just after.

Clinically Speaking

  • A co worker said of my nursing buddy and I: I'm so glad you guys are here. Ya'll have brought new life to this place.

  • The other day a disaster preparedness guy in my agency used a zombie outbreak to frame a plan for staying in service after an event that alters our normal operations. It was a funny bit. I've known that guy for years and wouldn't have guessed he had that in him.

  • A favorite homeless patient just got approved for assistance and moved into his new apartment. Good for him- it could not have happened to a better, more deserving person. Of his first night in his new home he said, I was stunned- shocked. I lay there that first night and looked up at the walls and reached out and touched them. I picked up my little radio and just plugged it in- there are outlets everywhere! He has always been very pleasant and fairly light hearted, but it just looked like the weight of the world was off his shoulders when he walked into my office that morning. He had camped for years in some woods on the edge of town- until somebody burned his tent down.

  • How does one human do that to another? They are minding their own business, have just barely more than nothing in this world and you take that from them?

  • Women at work worry about me. They'll say to each other when one goes out, Will you bring Kevin something back? He never eats lunch. When somebody does feed me I'll say, If mom can see you, she's thanking you right now for taking care of me.

  • Jedi mind trick: when we do an off site screening I often bring Krispy Kremes in early and give the front office girls first pick. In a leadership position it's just the right thing to do, but you have to remember- it's really those people who more or less run the show. They can make your life much easier in subtle ways or conversely, make it passive-aggressively as hard as they want.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

My Eldest's Birthday Party

a few years ago at Medievel Times in Dallas. I still have never been, his aunt used my ticket and I stayed home with baby boy. Big brother brought home a real sword- quite a memento. They said the food was quite good which I thought a little surprising. I'll go someday but, his hot- uh oh, there's a Freudian slip for you, anyway his aunt had always wanted to go so it was nice I was to be able to help with that.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Deep Thoughts With Zac

"Zac has been playing with that wooden snake of bubba's for a couple of days. This morning he decided that snakes probably get jealous laying around on the ground, staring up in the trees watching those caterpillars turn into butterflies!!!! Its not fair that only caterpillars get to turn into butterflies, that’s probably why snakes bite!!! "

Wednesday's Digressions

      • Is there anything worse than stabbing yourself in the roof of you mouth with the corner of a cracker?

      • What's the bottom of your mouth called? Anyway it's pretty bad there also.

      • Also- isn't it more of a ceiling?

      • Zachary and I went out on my friends boat Saturday. When we came back in he said, You want to keep the boat wet and drive Zac around the lake while we pack up camp? I thought you'd never ask...

      • He was gone an hour and a half.

      • We went out to an island in Mineral Well Lake SP. There were two geese sitting on nests. Zac said, Why. Are. They. Hissing. At. Us?

      • We named it Goose Island.

      • Maybe weird: I picked up a turtle off the road and carried it in my car to show everybody and let the kids turn it loose in the water. Interesting: when it burrowed under my seat, it shoved out my phone- which had been missing for days.

      • And the rain will kill us all if we throw ourselves against the wall

      Monday, April 2, 2012

      Monday's Missives

      • There's a couple at church I really like who I bump into frequently. When he and I were working nights we'd see each other often with our children at the park. For the life of me I can't recall his name, but I remember hers.

      • Recently, my daughter said, I can say my ABCs backwards! Whereupon she turned her back to me and started doing just that, A,B,C,D,E...

      • When I write say, the or play out in a sentence I often write each twice (play play or say say etc) and I don't know why, but I see others doing it also.

      • I'm not so sure it's ever going to quit raining.

      • I could absolutely live in a cave.

      • The green Nyquil tastes terrible.

      • It seems the death of a twin at birth leads to a lot of mental burdens throughout a persons life. I'm sure it doesn't happen in a vacuum- it's caused by the parents who could never let go.

      • Boom Shakalaka

      Sunday, April 1, 2012

      Sunday's Summary

      • Correctly your article helped me terribly much in my college assignment. Hats off to you enter, will look forward for the duration of more interrelated articles in a jiffy as its united of my choice issue to read. That was an odd, but nice old comment here on our ole blob- and it didn't even have a malware infected link associated with it.

      • A heart warming video of a dog trying to save his cat friend.

      • "I know I've been flamed a lot for making this video and including a burn victim. I would like to say at the time i made this video, I grabbed a bunch of random pictures from Google images and put it all together without really paying attention. He's not the ugly person. I am.
        I'm sorry."

      • I'm nearly speechless that someone had the gumption to place that comment on their own yoochoobs channel. If they're sincere- there may be some hope for this world, after all.

      • Once while trying to get to know a woman I thought I could get interested in she told me a little about her job then said, My real passions though are barrel racing and poker. I'm a semi professional poker player.

      • I couldn't hear a word she said after that- honestly, I couldn't get away from her fast enough.

      • Depeche Mode Somebody