Deep Thought

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

Deep Thought

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

Deep Thought

“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared”

Deep Thought

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say

Deep Thought

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear"

Jack Handy

Get Your Head Around This One

The future isn't what it used to be...