Friday's Dispatch

• A Germany flashback: I've mentioned before I was known in my unit for my fairly good command of conversational German. This was so true I actually handled simple translations frequently between my unit, the police and German army units etc. Downtown, once I ordered a strawberry ice cream cone. The guy indicated he couldn't understand. Thinking he couldn't hear me and not knowing his thing was to embarrass Americans trying to use the local language I spoke up a little and spoke more clearly and again in German asked for a strawberry ice cream cone. Although a little slow on the up- take I figured out fairly quickly he was trying to make a fool of me and leaned in and said in English ,"Look dude, you either will give me a strawberry ice cream cone or I'm going to drag. you. out. this. little. window. and beat you right here on the pavement in front of your shop." Suddenly, his international hosting, linguistic and survival skills improved and he gave me the most beautiful, well stacked strawberry ice cream cone you've ever seen in your life.






• When I say,"gave"- I mean he would not even look at the Marks I offered. Of all the German people I met during my time there- I literally think of him at least as much and probably more than than any other person.






• Yes, in my lifetime I have threatened the well being of another human being over a strawberry ice cream cone. Don't start taking his side- he had it coming.






• Recently while doing a skin test on a patient I asked him to expose the opposite arm he had pulled his sleeve up on. He said,"Uh-oh- you're going to see my scar." Thinking he meant a burn etc.- things that I'm used to working around I said,"Well, let me take a look." He pulled up his sleeve exposing a laceration over his wrist that had at a glance, 10-12 stitches. I looked up at him and he said,"Yeah, that's all me- I did that." "Don't sweat it." I said.






• All I could say when he walked out was,"Be good and take care of yourself and come back and see us on _______".






• Three of the women at work have decided to find me a wife. I don't know whether to be terrified or flattered.






• I'm not kidding.






• On multiple occassions I've heard my friend telling women I know he's only been seeing 2 or 3 weeks he loves them.






• 'Cause even though you left me here I have nothing left to fear. These are only walls that hold me here.

Raising Zachary

While answering a question he'd asked, I guess Zachary's mom went a little long prompting him to say, Mommmm too long. I'm feeling soooo lectured!

Wednesday's Digressions

Christmas morning 2011








• In my career I must have opened literally thousands of alcohol prep pad packs to use as skin prep for shots. The other day alcohol from one somehow managed to bypass my glasses when I opened it and splashed in my eye- right in front of a patient. There was no playing it off, I groaned and thrashed around and rubbed my eye like a crazy person- while he looked at me like I was well, a crazy person.




• When I recently remarked on another patients interesting course of study and indicated I was genuinely impressed by the short length of time in which she obtained her bachelors degree she replied," Oh yes. I'm highly intelligent, in fact I'm super smart." And then starting from the type of grass and species of trees outside my office window and working her way back into the office and discussing the history of medicine and various office technologies present she set out to prove how very smart she was.




• I've never liked the bands Dire Straits or The Police.




• Oddly, I'm warming to some of David Bowie's music although I never cared that much for it in the past.




• At Christmas at my sisters I picked up one of my great nieces who is two years old. In the past, she hadn't been that tolerant of me. She babbled and talked at me for a few seconds then rubbed the entire top of my head in a circular motion and followed that up by patting it right on the crown three times and then cracking up laughing.




• Don Rickles roasting everybody, but mostly Dean Martin.

AARP Forum Questions

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

Monday's Missives

Sense: this picture doesn't make any.

• A Congressman has apologised to the First Lady for a remark made about the size of her rear end. A few weeks ago an area teacher got in trouble for passing out anti Catholic religious tracts to students.






• Some things you don't do in this world because if nothing else- they're rude.






• This morning Zac has been playing with the marbles I played with as a little boy, most of which were very old when I came into possession of them.






• Crispin Glover- These Boots Are Made For Walkin' No, I'm not kidding.






• Here, he stomps on a dog.

It's A Wonderful Life

Letter to Santa written in 1911 and left on a fireplace for him to find. It slipped between a shelf where it was found nearly 100 years later.

• We went to Sunshine Lake to feed the ducks and geese Saturday. Gulls have always been there, especially in winter, but I've never seen so many before. There wasn't room for any more to roost on the fishing pier.


• I'm just not in the mood for Christmas this year. A Vietnamese acquaintance said Thursday,"Oh, you a baw humbaw!"


• My sister isn't even making her awesome ham this year. We're to bring finger food.


• I get what it means, but ponder that- finger food. It sounds weird and even looks weird in print.


• One year I dropped by her house for Christmas, although I couldn't stay long since I had to work. They were at the cemetery. When I called she said,"Well, if you can't stay, every thing's out and ready, make your self a plate and we'll see you next time."


• I ate half the ham.


• She just laughed and laughed.


• Warning: do not taunt African clawed bullfrog

My Favorite Christmas Song

Timbuk 3 All I Want For Christmas A close second: Billy Squier Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You Or, in a pinch Tom Waits Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis will do. Good night world wherever you are- I love you in spite of yourself.